Youngstown Vindicator (June 13, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, the Russians have revised that game of “Hitler, Hitler, who’s got Hitler?” They now say that his body was not found and they believe he’s hiding somewhere.
Some say he’s gone to Spain; some say Spain. We all know where we hope he’s gone to. It would be hard to choose between that place and Japan right now – they’re both equally fiery.
The Russians believe Hitler was married just two days before he fled Berlin. A glutton for punishment! He didn’t have enough trouble – he had to get married.
Were I looking for Hitler, I’d watch all the broadcasting studios. A man who loved to make speeches as much as he did is bound to turn up sooner or later in front of a microphone. Maybe he’ll come on with his own little daily program – something like “Life can be horrible.”
Youngstown Vindicator (June 14, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Jack Benny, Edgar Bergen and Fibber McGee and Molly notwithstanding, the Tokyo radio still has the funniest programs on the air. They have just announced that it is still not too late for the United States to surrender.
I guess, according to Japanese reasoning, the victorious Germans have imprisoned the Russians in Berlin, the Americans are retreating in the direction of Tokyo and the Japanese fleet is holding a victory celebration at the bottom of the ocean.
Tokyo radio has also announced that they were organizing bow-and-arrow and jujitsu units to fight against us. George thinks we will really have something to worry abut when they send those old Japanese vaudeville tumblers against us. But I’ve got it figured out all our boys have to do is start applauding. Then when the Japs leap up to take their bows – bang!
The Pittsburgh Press (June 15, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
I just read about a family that whipped the housing shortage by buying a small hotel to live in.
Regardless of size, I’ll bet that hotel seemed small when the family was moved in on by several dozen relatives they didn’t know they had.
George is intrigued with the idea of what happens with a mother-in-law under such circumstances. He likes the thought of sending her a weekly bill for the room rent with extras but what if she won’t pay it and you hand her an eviction notice? Does daughter get angry and go home to mother, whose home is in Room 215?
And my goodness! It must be pretty confusing if the family tries to staff that hotel itself. Imagine carrying ice water to your room and then having to tip yourself!
The Pittsburgh Press (June 18, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
While everyone is arguing about universal military training for men, along comes Professor Hooton of Harvard, saying that all women should be drafted for army training. He says it will gratify women’s desire to “wear the pants in the family.”
And he has the nerve to add that it will reduce women’s figures to a point where they can wear pants “without creating a repellent spectacle.”
Now just a minute, professor. You may think you’re safe at Harvard, but I dare you to step over to Vassar and say that.
But don’t feel too badly, girls. Professor Hooton teaches anthropology, so I looked it up and found that anthropology is the study of anthropoids and anthropoids are apes. Well, if he teaches apes, he can’t be too bright anyway. I’ve never met an ape yet who could read or write.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 20, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, I see that a department store has announced that pretty soon it will carry airplanes in stock. Isn’t that wonderful, girls? When we go shopping for an airplane and a spool of thread, we won’t have to worry about delivery, we can take the spool of thread right along with us in the airplane.
But I don’t think I’d like to be a saleslady in the airplane department. Imagine having to trot out all the planes in stock for one of those choosy customers.
George says he wouldn’t want to work in the complaint department, either, not when some woman comes in and says, “I thought you told me I was getting an exclusive model, and yesterday I saw Mrs. Jones flying around in one exactly like it.”
The Pittsburgh Press (June 21, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, we Americans have always been a nation of souvenir hunters and this war has proved no exception. A few days ago, Gen. Patch presented the President with Hermann Goering’s diamond-studded baton, and now “Iron Mike” O’Daniel says he has Hermann’s trousers hanging on the wall of his division headquarters. From the pictures I’ve seen of Marshal Goering, his trousers could make a divisional headquarters all by themselves.
As an old collector himself, Goering probably feels unhappy. But his friend Hitler came out even worse. Hitler started by collecting most of the small countries of Europe. Then he went after the big Russian bearskin and the bear collected him.
Now Adm. Halsey says he wants Hirohito’s horse. Personally if I were in Hirohito’s place, I’d mail him the horse before the Admiral decides to collect Hirohito, too.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 22, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
I realized the travel situation was getting a little tight, but I didn’t really know how bad it was until I saw that Gov. Wallgren of Washington has placed an Indian war canoe at President Truman’s disposal during his visit to that state. If the President rates only a canoe, you can imagine where the rest of us stand.
Anyway, the Indians will be pleased. They haven’t had so much attention since the days when Calvin Coolidge used to wear big feathered headgear for the newsreels.
President Truman says he’s going to fish a little for relaxation. Now, don’t kid us, Mr. President – you’re going after those fish in deadly earnest, same as the rest of us. I just bet the White House cook told you to bring back some food, or she wouldn’t be responsible for meals in the future.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 25, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, every big criminal makes a wrong move sooner or later and that old Hitler has finally made his. Reports are he is running around garbed as a member of the feminine sex.
Girls, he’s on our home ground now! Let’s get him!
After all, with apologies to those good-looking fellows in the FBI, aren’t women the greatest man-hunters in the world?
Next time you see a particularly pushy woman with a peek-a-boo bang showing at a bargain counter clerk to see that it isn’t Adolf. Next time you see a pair of high heels walking down the street make sure that a third heel isn’t wearing them. Or next time you see a woman driving on the right side and making correct hand signals at a corner, something’s fishy.
So Adolf wants to be a pin-up girl, eh? Too bad we don’t wear hatpins anymore and could oblige him.
Youngstown Vindicator (June 26, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Wow! Did you see the pictures of President Truman in that Siwash sweater? Let’s have no more kidding from you men about women’s wild hats. I think the President should be congratulated.
It’s about time men were showing a little gumption in wearing more style and color. Why, President Truman might do for men’s sweaters what Lana Turner did for women’s!
Probably men will begin to copy the President as they used to copy Prince Albert and the Prince of Wales. Maybe if I get George a Siwash sweater I could get him out of his old Prince Albert.
I only hope the President brings his sweater to the next Big Three meeting. Premier Stalin goes around in a marshal’s uniform and Churchill is liable to break out in anything from a zipper suit to a fur hat. But let’s see them try to top that sweater.
Hooray for good old Siwash!
Youngstown Vindicator (June 27, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, as if westbound traffic hasn’t been heavy enough through in this country, a big insurance company now advises girls to head west if they want to get married. When this gets around, there’ll probably be a movement toward the Pacific Coast that will make the California gold rush of ’49 look like a conga line.
And a word of warning to you Western men. Lack of train space isn’t going to stop those man-hunting women. They’ll organize covered-wagon trains if necessary.
Only this time, instead of being pursued by the Indians, the womenfolk are liable to turn the tables and chase some of those handsome young Indian bucks right back onto the reservation. Yes, indeed, times have certainly changed.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 28, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, J. Arthur Rank, the big British film magnate, is visiting here and says that Hollywood is in for some friendly competition. He says they may even try making westerns over in England.
Now, goodness knows I’m for free competition, but I’m afraid our little boys who go to the neighborhood movie Saturday mornings are going to be confused when they hear the sheriff on the screen say, “The bounder went thettaway, you chaps” or when the villain shouts, "Blimey, here comes the bobbies’ pose
I guess the English will have singing cowboys too; and we’ll be hearing songs like “Bury Me Not in Berkeley Square,” “Home on the Moor,” and “Git Along, Little Grouse, Git Along.”
I know there’ll always be an England, but they’ll sure need their strength when they see Noel Coward in spurs and a ten-gallon hat.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 29, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, the San Francisco Conference has given us a charter for peace, and from now on it’s up to us. Fortunately, peace is different from things like butter and lamb chops. You see, the more people who want peace, the more there is to go around.
I can imagine those delegates arriving home with their new knowledge of American customs. I can just see one of the Arabian delegates riding proudly up to his ancestral tent with bobby socks and several camel loads of breakfast food. Or an Egyptian representative greeting his wife with a stack of Benny Goodman records under one arm, and a bag of buttered popcorn under the other.
Goodbye, peace delegates. And if anyone asks you about the beautiful California weather, please keep the peace. Don’t tell them.
Youngstown Vindicator (July 2, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, I read where that nasty old Pierre Laval at his place of detention in Spain is knitting himself a sweater, and as the people of France are yelling for the part of Laval that it pulls over, the man must be an optimist.
If you ask me, I think it’s peculiar that Laval has gone in for garment-working, too. Only, a few days ago, there was a story that Hitler had fled to Spain in women’s clothes. And when the Americans opened his safe at Berchtesgaden, all they found were some designs of women’s gowns.
It’s too bad all those dictators didn’t go in for making clothes in the first place. The world would have been a lot quieter place if they’d had to keep their mouths full of pins.
The Pittsburgh Press (July 3, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
I see the telephone company says that pretty soon they’ll have phones installed in autos. My goodness, aren’t the men upset enough about women drivers now? Imagine how nasty they’ll be when we women are driving while carrying on a nice conversation about Charles Boyer over the auto-phone.
Now when a woman bumps into someone in traffic, she can roll up the window and not listen to the bad language. But with a phone in the car, the other car driver could call up right away and say what he thought.
And a married man getting bawled out all the way home over an auto-phone for bringing a friend to dinner would be too nervous to notice stop signals. But if the traffic officer was married himself, he’d probably be sympathetic and send the ticket to the telephone company.
The Pittsburgh Press (July 6, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
FORT LEWIS, Washington – Well, I see that when a strike prevented delivery of some New York newspapers. Mayor La Guardia rushed into the crisis, and read the funnies to the children over the radio, so they wouldn’t miss any installments. It seems he growled and puffed and made such wonderful sound effects like “eeek” and “blam” that the newspapers are worried for fear the children will demand the mayor as a supplement with the funnies from now on.
Goodness, if Mayor La Guardia were running for reelection, he’s probably have rushed right into the kiddies’ homes and given his readings in costume.
I think Congress is going to get some ideas from him, as it is. Reading the funnies over the air is a lot easier than kissing all the babies in your district, and besides, it saves transportation.
Youngstown Vindicator (July 6, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
SEATTLE, Washington – Goodness, that line about “let’s give the country back to the Indians” is certainly no joke to the people of Troy, New York. It seems that a long time ago the Mohawk Indians rented Troy to the white man for four bolts of calico a year to every member of the tribe.
Some Mohawk chief must have been smart enough to foresee the wartime textile shortage. You girls know how hard it is to find a bolt of good calico now. Think of those officials who have to dig up four bolts for every Mohawk.
Remember those other Indians who thought they were so smart selling Manhattan Island for $24 in cash? Most of that money has probably been squandered by now, but an income of calico is an income you can live within.
The Pittsburgh Press (July 9, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, the latest war communiqués are in from Decatur, Illinois, and it seems as though the chief of police there is winning his fight against the freedom of the dress. Women wearing halters and shorts are in full flight back to the parks and beaches.
It was a close fight, at that. Police volunteers from a special suicide squad began the campaign by telling women dressed in shorts to go home and change their clothes. These forces fell back under a fierce barrage of tongue lashing, pocketbooks and shopping bags. But mechanized units in the form of police squad cars came to halt the onslaught.
Female resistance collapsed only as a result of fifth-column activities of husbands at the breakfast table complaining about the way their wives looked in shorts. It was a good try, girls. You lost, but your spirit will inspire freedom in women’s clothes everywhere. Remember Decatur!
The Pittsburgh Press (July 10, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, Chicago has always been a glamorous city to people of all ages, but right now it has an attraction that makes it practically irresistible to small boys. It seems that in Chicago there’s a shortage of soap.
Goodness, I hope that with all the other transportation problems we won’t have the roads clogged with hitchhiking little boys carrying signs like “On to Chicago – Where You Don’t Have to Wash Behind Your Ears.”
It’s too bad this had to happen to Chicago this summer instead of last. Because when I was there then covering the national political conventions, they were certainly handing out enough soft soap to go around.
The Pittsburgh Press (July 11, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Our nice President Truman only recently returned from a vacation, and now Prime Minister Churchill has gone on his. I think it’s kind of cute to see how vacation habits differ between these leaders of two great nations.
Churchill took his paint box with him. George says an American President wouldn’t dare do that, because his political opponents would criticize his paintings. Our Presidents always play safe and go fishing. Goodness knows, it’s hard to criticize a fish, especially these days, with food so hard to get.
Also I notice Mr. Churchill took his butter along with him to France. He probably wanted to finish it before his meeting with Truman and Stalin in Potsdam. The whole world may be divided up at that meeting and Churchill apparently didn’t want to take any chances with his Butter.
