The Pittsburgh Press (September 29, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Well, it seems I got a little mixed up yesterday in explaining the World Series baseball race. In the first place, the St. Louis Browns are not really named Brown at all; they have all sorts of names.
Some of the names they are called when they win in Detroit cannot be printed. In the second place, when they refer to the winning American League team “playing the Cards” they don’t mean gin rummy or poker.
The Cards are another baseball team, called the Cardinals. Where they get those names, I’ll never know.
There’s even a bunch in Brooklyn called the Dodgers. They must have a very lax Draft Board there.
Anyway, you can’t blame me for getting mixed up when full-grown baseball players go around calling themselves names like Cardinals, Dodgers, Giants and Tigers. I prefer professional football. Those teams have names like Cardinals, Dodgers, Giants – well, let it go.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 2, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
I’d like to have been at the White House the other day when Frank Sinatra had tea with President Roosevelt. They say Frankie really was proud.
Well, it isn’t everyone who can have tea with the President, and you can’t blame Frankie for wanting to throw out his chest. I’ll bet he never missed having one as much as he did that day.
I understand “The Voice” told the President how he makes the girls swoon. Of course, Mr. Roosevelt has a pretty exciting voice himself. At least the Republicans seem to get awfully excited when they hear his speeches.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 3, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
This isn’t a movie column, but I’ve gotten so many letters asking for inside information about the movie and radio stars that I’ll answer a few today.
To D. Q. of Miami, Florida: No, that’s just radio talk. In real life Eddie Cantor doesn’t try to get his daughters married. But if you’re interested, wire Eddie collect and he’ll charter a plane and bring them to Miami.
To the Marines who asked, “Is Betty Grable’s figure on the level?” The answer is “no.” …It’s anything but level. And not only is Betty beautiful but she’s a wonderful cook. You ought to hear the soldiers whistle when she walks in with a tray of sandwiches.
To Mrs. R. J. of Chicago: Yes, Jack Benny has a full head of hair. I had occasion to study it closely for quite some time. Jack left it in his dressing room.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 4, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
It’s wonderful how the World Series baseball games are being broadcast to our fighting men everywhere – on South Sea Islands, in Alaska, on ships at sea. Even in tanks and planes they’re listening – and loving it.
And the Germans no doubt are listening too, but I’ll bet they’re pretty confused. I can imagine a scene something like this:
GERMAN SPY: Herr General, our fifth column has captured half of Amerika. The Amerikan radio announcer admits that the Yanks of New York were defeated, Detroit was blasted, and now a great battle rages in St. Louis. And, Herr General, they did it all with baseball bats!
GERMAN GENERAL: We’ve been using the wrong weapons. Tell our soldiers to throw away their guns. For now on it’s bats to fight the Amerikans.
GERMAN SPY: Ya, that’s what I say – it’s crazy.
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The Pittsburgh Press (October 5, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
I feel so sorry for the people standing in line to buy cigarettes. I guess I’m pretty lucky that I don’t smoke. All I have to do is stand in line for George’s cigarettes.
Anyway, we shouldn’t complain. It’s only right that our men in uniform get cigarettes first. They’re under a terrific nervous strain. When a soldier is thinking of his loved ones he naturally smokes a lot. I’ll bet Mickey Rooney has gone through a couple of cartons this week.
P.S. Here’s a red-hot tip on the World Series. I found out who’s going to win. Personally, I don’t believe in gambling, but those of you who are so inclined can clean up on this tip. Here it is: Bet everything you’ve got on St. Louis.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 6, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Well, that tip I gave you on the World Series was right. St. Louis is winning every game.
Now I’ve decided to figure out other winners for you. So far, I’m not doing so well. I went out and took a poll on a street corner yesterday morning. Ten people wanted Roosevelt, 10 wanted Dewey and 52 wanted butter.
Lots of people have written in asking me what man I’m going to support in November. Well, it’ll be the same man I’ve always supported – the man I’m married to, George Burns.
Of course, I don’t really support George. He works hard and brings him more bacon than I do. we have a lady butcher and it’s easier for him to get it.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 9, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
The biggest mystery of this war to me is the Jap admirals. First, they lose face, and now the rest of their bodies seem to be disappearing. Almost every day a report comes that five or six or 10 more Jap admirals have been killed in action.
For goodness’ sake, who’s killing them? The American Navy can’t even find them, let alone fight them.
I’ll bet the same question puzzles Hirohito when the head of his navy reports:
Oh, Illustrious Emperor, we have won another retreat victory. The American Navy lies at the bottom of the ocean. Their guns did not even touch our ships.
To which Hirohito replied: “Then keep an eye on those sharks, because somebody is knocking off all my top men.”
The Pittsburgh Press (October 10, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Did you read abut the man who left his 12-month-old baby in a lower berth while he got off the train in Kansas City? When he came back, the train and baby were on their way to Chicago. Everyone says: “How could a man do a thing like that?” That’s what I want to know – how did he get that lower berth?
Have you tried taking he train lately? Last week, George and I asked the ticket seller if we could get space to San Francisco. He said., “Yes, if you can shovel coal.”
But we didn’t have to shovel coal. Goerge finally got a seat and I sat on his lap. Well, not directly on his lap… first came George – then a soldier – then a sailor – then me.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 11, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Have you seen the latest product of the cigarette shortage – the pipe-smoking girl?
It seems that college coeds started the fad when cigarettes first became scarce and now even the movie actresses here in Hollywood are taking up the pipe. Think what this could do to the movies!
Somehow, I just can’t picture Paul Henreid putting two pipes in his mouth, lighting them and giving one to Bette Davis, as he did with cigarettes in Now, Voyager.
And Ginger Rogers might not have had a career at all. You’ll remember Ginger made her hit as a seductive siren in Young Man of Manhattan with the tagline, “Cigarette me, big boy.” How seductive could she have been, saying, “Corncob pipe me, big boy.”
The Pittsburgh Press (October 12, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
It’s politics, that’s what it is. Here I’ve been waiting around for two months to get one single solitary plumber, and now I read there’s a whole army of plumbers, painters and plasterers cleaning up the buildings of Congress during the present recess.
Goodness, I know Governor Dewey has asked for a housecleaning in Washington, but I didn’t think the Democrats would pay any attention to him.
I understand the favorite pastime of the cleaning men is to sit in the empty chairs of Congress and pretend they’re Senators and Representatives. They even make up laws and “pass” them.
Hey, if we can keep Congress adjourned long enough, we may get some great laws.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 13, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
I’m beginning to think the best thing to do with the war criminals is to put them into some of these post-war kitchens I’ve seen on exhibition. Goodness, they’re frightening!
Everything either pulls out, slides under, or tucks between. From the looks of the gadgets, it would be easier to fly a B-29 over Tokyo than to make George a cup of coffee.
One thing, though, you’d never be bothered with ants. The home planner told me an ant would never enter a kitchen like that. Neither would a cook, I’m afraid.
The last post-war kitchen I saw was painted in shades of orange. The color psychologist told me orange was soothing to the nerves. I can imagine what my Irish cook would say if I asked her to work in a kitchen painted in orange!
The Pittsburgh Press (October 16, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Well, so far as gentlemanliness and good taste is concerned, I should like to call your attention to the political campaign between Fala, the President’s Scottie, and Canute, the Great Dane belonging to Mr. Dewey.
In spite of the fact that the title for first dog of the country is at stake, both of them have scorned to play politics. Just think how many votes they could get by such cheap devices as, say, kissing puppies, or promising other dogs a bone in every pot.
In fact, being dumb animals, they’ve pulled a couple of political boners. I understand that Fala almost bit Truman, and Canute once growled at Bricker.
So far, there is no indication from Hollywood just which way Lassie is going to throw his support.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 17, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
I read in the paper that the women in England are worried about the shortage of corsets, it seems their figures are becoming almost as global as the war.
They’re demanding more and better corsets and they say if they don’t get them, they’re going to stage a sit-down strike. Well, I don’t wish to meddle in international affairs, but I certainly wouldn’t advise women who don’t have corsets to do too much sitting down. You have no idea how a situation like that can spread.
Here in America, we’re troubled by the girdle shortage. There’s only one pre-war girdle left in my house. After that’s gone, I don’t know what George will do.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 18, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Now I read they’ve invented a big mechanical brain at Harvard University. It’s several times smarter than a human brain, and, if you ask me, I’m scared. Goodness, I didn’t say anything when the Harvard boys went around swallowing goldfish, but this time they’ve gone too far.
Ladies, imagine how our husbands will take advantage. They’ll get a mechanical brain to do their office work. This will give them the entire day to entertain their pretty secretaries.
If Harvard wanted to invent something, why couldn’t it have been a mechanical lap? Personally, I hope the mechanical brain gets a big headache.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 19, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Lots of people are saying this political campaign isn’t being handled right, and I, for one, certainly agree with them.
For instance, I haven’t seen a single news photo of a candidate holding a baby. Goodness knows, it would be especially helpful this year, what with so many of the mothers working in war plants.
And why doesn’t one of the candidates take advantage of the cigarette shortage? Many a long face would brighten up with a cigarette in it. If they can get votes by promising “a chicken in every pot,” they should be able to start a landslide by promising “a cigarette in every pan.”
The Pittsburgh Press (October 20, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
I have to laugh at the way Germany and Japan try to boost each other’s morale. When the Germans were retreating pell-mell across France, Tokyo sent congratulations on the magnificent “advance,” and now Berlin has sent congratulations to the Jap fleet for its “victory” off Formosa.
If anyone deserves congratulations, it’s the messenger who was able to find the Jap fleet to deliver the message. There’s a real Sherlock Holmes.
Radio Tokyo says that Adm. Halsey’s fleet has been “annihilated.” This makes the fourth or fifth time that they have “annihilated” the Admiral’s fleet. I’m waiting for the day the Jap messenger rushes into Hirohito’s throne room to deliver that message and finds Adm. Halsey sitting there.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 23, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
It’s really a little early to worry about Christmas, because we’ve got the election to worry about first. Of course, even that isn’t as bad as the year we had two Thanksgivings, and nonpartisan voters got indigestion from eating both Republican and Democratic turkeys. But someone has alarmed our children by telling them the Office of Defense Transportation is going to ask Santa Claus: “Is this trip really necessary?”
And another branch of the government has warned housewives to use their ingenuity because the usual type of Christmas tree ornaments won’t be available this year. Well, I’ve used mine. I’ve found some wonderful ornaments for George to hang on our tree – a wristwatch, a necklace, a new pair of shoes, a fur coat…
Why, I won’t miss the tinsel and glass bulbs one hit.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 24, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
With Gen. MacArthur back in the Philippines and the hara-kiri knives are really flashing.
What a general! But, believe it or not, there are still millions of people who wish that he would drop everything he’s doing and come back here to run for President. Of course, these people couldn’t vote – they live in Japan.
Gen. MacArthur has really become the symbol of fear to the Japs. I read where their government issued free sake wine to boost home-front morale. But it didn’t work. Everyone got drunk and saw little pink MacArthurs.
This must be an awfully confusing war to the Japs, anyway. They call themselves the “sons of heaven” and our boys are sending so many of them to the wrong address.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 25, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Well, officially, Halloween is supposed to be next Tuesday, but if you ask me, it’s been here too long already. The Democrats have been trying to frighten the Republicans, the Republicans have been trying to frighten the Democrats, and the voters’ polls have been frightening both of them.
And another nice little Halloween touch is furnished by the politicians who run around putting soft-soap on people’s windows so they can’t see what’s really going on.
Of course, the most frightening thing is the booing at the newsreels these days. I wish they’d stop that. George and I were sitting in a theater the other night when the audiences started booing. Poor George – he jumped up and started into his old vaudeville act.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 26, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Goodness, I wish those radio commentators would be a little more careful about their pronunciations.
Our cook was upset enough when Crosby stayed in England so long, but last night she really had a fit. She heard a commentator say that the British were going to take Sinatra. It wasn’t until this morning that George explained that it wasn’t Sinatra but an island called Sumatra.
It’s a blessing the Allies chased the Nazis out of France so quickly too. The only French town most commentators could pronounce was Paris. And heaven help them now that they’ve got to pronounce cities like Düsseldorf, Kassel, Kissen and Essen. That will really make them sound like they’ve got upper-plate wobble.