The Pittsburgh Press (May 20, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, every day there’s another sign that the country is returning to normalcy. Just today I read that the junkman is back with us again.
Gracious, if reconversion ever really does set in, the junkman can make one stop at our house and then retire for life. He can have our toaster which burns the toast on one side and doesn’t cook it at all on the other, our electric shock which stops every hour on the half hour, and our washing machine which makes lovely lace panties of Georgie’s shorts. In fact, George is about the only thing around our house he can’t have.
I wish the old-clothes man would return too. Dear me, an awful lot of us would like to hear his cheery cry again, and buy some of his stock to wear instead of the stuff we have on.
The Pittsburgh Press (May 21, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see a Chicago firm has started a service so businessmen won’t even have to go to their offices anymore. They can just lie in bed, call this firm, and dictate their letters over the telephone. The firm has the letters typed, and when it’s time to sign them they send someone around to wake up the businessman.
Goodness, I don’t see why a businessman has to call up another firm to handle all his correspondence for him. I should think he’s lie in bed and sail the OPA direct.
Anyway, with the transportation troubles and all our other current difficulties, maybe it would be just as well if science found a way for all of us to spend all our time in bed. Not using our feet and legs would solve the nylon problem, anyhow.
The Pittsburgh Press (May 22, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that hundreds of children in an eastern city stormed a shop that advertised bubble gum and the police had to be called. I suppose some of the kids would have been spanked if their parents’ arms hadn’t been sprained in a nylon riot or a butter battle.
Children love to imitate the things their elders do, so it’s not surprising that they’ve started to play the exciting new game of “shortage.” It behooves us to watch our own actions in these troubled times, so they don’t pick up other little pastimes.
Like, for instance, calling their little playmates had names and hitting them, and then explaining it was just a peachy new game called “politicians.” And it might be a little embarrassing to some people if their children began a game called “break the law” inspired by their parents’ flirtations with black markets.
The Pittsburgh Press (May 23, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
Goodness, I see that a medical authority says that if you have aching muscles and joints when you haven’t any organic trouble, it may be due to a grudge you’re nursing against someone close to you. So when a soldier says, “Oh, my aching back!” I suppose it probably is caused by some little thing like a second lieutenant.
This theory explains quite a bit about George too, such as why he suddenly developed pains in the joints whenever I want him to help with the housework. And all these years he’s thought his rheumatic twinges were a sign that rain was coming when what was really coming was my mother for a visit.
Well, I can go along with medical science also. In the future when I bring home a new hat I’ll bring along some liniment for George’s muscles, too.
The Pittsburgh Press (May 27, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a professor of anatomy at the University of Chicago made a lot of calculations and then described the average American male as skinny, half bald, half toothless and shout thirty years old. Thank goodness this makes my husband ‘way above average. At least he’s ‘way above thirty.
Anyhow, a husband’s appearance isn’t too important because I find it changes quite a bit from day to day. When George notices my new dress or brings me flowers, he looks just like Clark Gable to me. When he complains about my cooking or drops ashes on the rug, he looks like something Frank Buck brought back barely alive.
Furthermore, I’d like to remind that professor of just one thing. The average American man may be the mess he says he is, but look at the worse mess he made of the Nazi superman!
The Pittsburgh Press (May 28, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I’ve been reading that an association of British married women believes that wives should be paid for doing the housework. And people say that the British don’t have a sense of humor!
Goodness me, if husbands had to pay for the work, we do they wouldn’t just come home and simply read the evening paper. They’d put on a pair of white gloves and test every inch of the house for dirt. They’d examine every knife and fork with a magnifying glass for traces of rust and they’d buy a special whip to crack when they found an undarned sock. And when they appeared with us in public they’d probably expect to be introduced as Mr. Smith and employee.
Also, come to think of it, pay for housework might work both ways. When your husband brought you your breakfast in bed, would you have to tip him?
The Pittsburgh Press (May 29, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Gracious, now the women members of the Japanese Parliament are worrying about what to wear. Each of the 38 feminine members had on a different costume at the first meeting and they didn’t think it looked right. So they asked the women’s dean, Dr. Shigeo Takeuchi, to pick out one costume that would please all of them. She just smiled and said she was a legislator, not a Daughter of Heaven.
Here the problem isn’t to pick out similar outfits for our women legislators but different ones. Can you imagine the scene in Congress if Reps. Luce and Douglas found each other wearing the same hat ne fine morning? They wouldn’t have to be members of opposite parties to vote against each other’s bills.
There’s one solution to the Japanese clothing problem: Let them do what we’re doing here – wear what they’ve got.
The Pittsburgh Press (May 30, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that some Detroit police officers went to investigate a report of a dead man in an automobile. They found a man, all right, but when they woke him up, he said he was simply dead tired. It seems his wife had sent him out to look for some meat for their Sunday dinner and he hadn’t been able to find any.
Goodness, you’d think modern science could help the poor man out. We have electric meat slicers, electric meat choppers, electric meat processors – why doesn’t someone invent an electric meat finder?
Anyway, I think George’s scheme is best of all. When I send him out to look for something he falls asleep before he goes instead of after he gets back. This not only saves gasoline, but he finds the couch much more comfortable than the car.
The Saginaw News (May 31, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that the president of an organization that is interested in caves says that everyone should find a little cave somewhere as a defense against the atomic bombs. Some of us could even move right in and give the people who are living there a chance to rent a house again.
Oh boy, I can just see those real estate ads now: “For rent, furnished; wind-conditioned cave, dark but not dank. Running water during rainy season. Inner spring granite slabs. No dinosaurs or other pets. Phone Neanderthal 5-5555.”
Dear me, girls, do you suppose this means the cave man is on his way back? Wouldn’t it be thrilling to be dragged off by some masterful suitor with a club in one hand and your hair in the other? And if he ruined your permanent, he’d have to marry you, or else.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 3, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see that the entourage of Lord Inverchapel, the new British ambassador to the United States, includes his own personal piper. Maybe his lordship is thinking of running for office over here, because a bagpipe’s sound effects are certainly the British equivalent of our hillbilly bands that have elected so many of our congressmen and governors.
Well, music has been called the universal language, and it did a lot for the Potsdam conference. But the last time the big four met they had no music and it didn’t work out, so maybe they’d get something done at the next meeting if they just had a British bagpiper, a French horn player, a balalaika plucker, Benny Goodman, and no talk.
Or maybe Byrnes, Molotov, Bevin and Bidault could get together and form a male quartet. Come to think of it, though, they probably couldn’t agree on what songs to sing.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 4, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – My goodness, did you see where some eminent Chicago psychiatrists say that people who argue over the back fence with their neighbors are slightly insane?
I asked George whether he thought it was true, and he said no, that people who argue with their neighbors aren’t slightly off – they’re completely nuts. But that may be because our neighbor is six-feet-three and weighs 259 pounds, and George is afraid that if he argues over our back fence with him, he might pull it up and hit George over the head with it.
Still, arguments do crop up occasionally on important topics. The lady next door and I see eye to eye on capital and labor, but we split violently on Franco-American relationships. She thinks Van Johnson is more attractive than Charles Boyer – can you imagine anything sillier?
The Pittsburgh Press (June 5, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that an unidentified man in Philadelphia stole a trolley from a car barn, made a trip through the city picking up free passengers and then disappeared. His actions may seem peculiar, but I understand them perfectly.
Gracious, I suppose the Philadelphia trolley system must be like all other trolley systems, and for years this poor sufferer might have put up with motormen who went blithely past his stop and clanged their bell when he had a headache. Also with conductors who gave him the wrong transfer and mumble “bligfhx” when they were supposed to announce “Spruce St.”
If this unknown hero’s idea catches on, people who have sent hours in a restaurant watching the waiter sleep will sneak in after the place is closed and serve themselves a meal. And I shudder to think what the people who elected certain senators might do.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 6, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see a city in Brazil has made it a crime to sing in the streets and I certainly hope it doesn’t happen here. Any man these days should be encouraged, even if his voice resembles that of a tobacco auctioneer and the only song he knows is “Onezy, Twozy.”
Singing keeps the spirits up although our supply of bread and meat may be down and the elbows and seats of our pre-war garments almost worn out. Goodness, I think we’d all feel lots better if we started our search for an apartment with a chorus of “A-Hunting We Will Go.” And if we found one we could switch to that popular ballad, “Miracles Can Happen.”
So let’s keep our streets safe for singers. The present noise of wheezing motors and worn-out brakes is much worse than the sound of any human voice and that includes George’s.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 7, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a group of serious-minded film workers in Japan says that “unnecessary and indiscriminate” kissing must be banned from their movies.
At one time they didn’t kiss at all, but now kissing has become so popular hat it may take the place of older Japanese fads such as making toys, arranging flowers and planning to dictate peace terms in the White House.
I finally figured out what they meant by unnecessary and indiscriminate kissing. An unnecessary kiss is one you give your husband when you bring him the mail and there aren’t any bills for hats in it.
Indiscriminate kissing is when there’s a family reunion and you kiss all your relations instead of concentrating on the one cousin who owns a meat market.
Goodness, I shouldn’t think those items would be much fun, even for kiss-starved Japs.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 10, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Speaking as a keen and confused student of international affairs, it looks to me as though that little fellow, Haile Selassie, is the only person so far who has won both the war and the peace.
I can just see him sitting snugly in his royal tent in Ethiopia, with the American jeep parked outside, his lend-lease stores of pancake flour and bubble gum nearby. And smiling as he heard his American radio telling how the Italians have thrown temporary King Umbert out of work along with Papa Victor Emmanuel.
Well, add Umberta and Victor to George of Greece, Peter of Yugoslavia, Carol of Rumania and Zog of Albania, and you’ve got quite an unemployment problem.
I guess when kings are born in the future, the baby would much rather have a Social Security card on his cradle than a gold spoon in his mouth.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 11, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Goodness, Lord Inverchapel, the new British ambassador to the United Sates, is in the news again. He raised a storm in Canada by saying that cricket is a dull game and expressing a preference for baseball or even spillikins, which is the English name for jackstraws.
George, the sports authority of our family, claims any British game is apt to be dull because the spectators are so polite and restrained. He says that if the British imported some Brooklyn Dodger fans, cricket would liven up quite a bit, and there would probably be riot squads at the spillikins matches too.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 12, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, now I see that a man has opened an 1880 model grocery store in Vermont with the kind of stock on the shelves that was sold back in those days. It’s part store and part museum, and I can well understand where the museum side of it comes in.
Gracious, I think some of the exhibits should be very interesting, such as “T-bone steak – extinct – once roamed the Western plains in great numbers.” And “bunch of bananas – believed by scientists to be a form of fruit,” or “loaf of bread – only one in America; smaller specimen in Louvre in Paris.”
However, the item in the store that interested George most was a cracker barrel. He hates crackers, but he says the barrel would certainly come in handy if the seat of his last pair of slacks does what he thinks it’s going to do.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 13, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that the Army still wants dogs to join the K-9 Corps, and I just wonder if the Civilian Housing Authority isn’t in on the idea.
After all, if a lot of pooches leave their kennels and doghouses to join up, that’s going to give a few more human beings a chance to have roofs over their heads.
The breed of dog most in demand is the German Shepherd, and I see no reason why plenty of them shouldn’t enlist. The unemployment among shepherd dogs must br terrific because there doesn’t seem to be any sheep around.
Goodness knows, I can’t find any lamb chops to eat and George can’t find any wool to wear.
If I had an eligible dog, I’m sure the Army would be the ideal place for him. I’ve heard so many ex-GIs say that it’s a dog’s life.
The Pittsburgh Press (June 14, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that the latest Paris fad is the two-tone hair-do. What’s new about that? For years plenty of American women have had blond hair on top and dark hair at the roots after they missed an appointment at the beauty shop.
Some of the Parisian color combinations feature purple on top and auburn on the sides. A poet once wrote, “Sylvia’s hair is like the night,” but today, if she lived in Paris, he’d have to say, “Sylvia’s hair is like the grape juice except it’s like the chili sauce.”
However, I’d say the two-tone idea has definite possibilities. A girl could wear red nail polish on one hand and green polish on the other. Then when her beau asked for a kiss she could hold up the red for “stop” or the green for “go.”
The Pittsburgh Press (June 17, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that an English naturalist left a will asking that, on his tombstone, he should be given credit as the “discoverer of latent equilibrist powers given to sea lion species.” Translated into American, this means that he was the one who found out that a sea lion could balance a ball on its nose.
At first glance that may seem like a very small accomplishment, but I think he’s right in having been proud of it. His discovery entertained millions of vaudeville patrons and gave employment to many sea lions who might otherwise have frittered their lives away in idleness.
Believe me, the world would be a better place if more people took pride in doing such small things well, I have no use for world conquerors, but I’d love to shake the hand of the man who invented the bobby pin.