St. Petersburg Times (April 22, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, it looks like normal times are really returning. According to the papers, the people who make a hobby of flagpole sitting are with us again.
Of course, this time, it’s more than just a hobby. To a great many people these days, a nice comfortable flagpole is a lot better than no house at all. I can just hear a tired businessman saying to his fellow workers at the end of the day, “Well, boys, it’s 5 o‘clock; I guess I’ll shinny home.”
Personally, I’m afraid I don’t want to live on a flagpole, at least until they install elevator service on them. but George is against this. He wants me to lease one of the tallest flagpoles in town, move onto it immediately and then invite my mother to come up and stay with us for a long visit.
St. Petersburg Times (April 23, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, there’s a controversy going on at the University of Illinois where the men say that the co-eds whistle at them and otherwise act like she-wolves. It seems the men have to take courses in things like judo to protect themselves when they go past a drugstore.
Strangely enough, the men seem to prefer the old-fashioned kind of girl who ran away from a man until she had caught him. That type of female gave the male a certain feeling of superiority after she hooked him, and males find they miss it. The dears – they’re pretty silly, aren’t they?
However, aggressive women and shrinking men may be news at the University of Illinois but not in Hollywood. It’s a common sight out here to see a lovely young girl chase Charles Boyer clear up Vine street just to get near him. What’s more, sometimes I do.
St. Petersburg Times (April 24, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, the Chinese may have new rickshaws before we have new automobiles. A big Detroit auto manufacturer may deliver 5,000,000 super-rickshaws to China while 5,000,000 people in California alone are ready to cut each other’s throats for a chance at one 1946 coupe.
The rickshaw, as you probably know, has no motor and in this way, it resembles many of the pre-war cars that you see on our streets today. It gets its power from a man who runs along between the rickshaw’s shafts. No gasoline is needed. I suppose the Chinese have filling stations that sell rice.
I’m thinking of putting in a bid for one of the Detroit rickshaws and teaching George how to pull me around town. I might not have a new streamlined car, but after the first hundred miles I’d certainly have a new streamlined husband.
St. Petersburg Times (April 25, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, a man employed by the electric power company in Chattanooga, Tennessee, should be an example for the whole human race. He wanted to remove a limb, sawed it off behind him and fell with a crash.
I’d just lie to remind you that Germany and Japan also climbed ‘way out on a limb and sawed it off behind them. You’d think that would have registered, but now all the nations act like they’re ready to climb out on other limbs with atomic bombs in their pockets.
Goodness, I think the man from Chattanooga should go on a lecture tour of all the United Nations. He could tell them that when you saw a limb off behind you it not only makes you look ridiculous – you can get badly hurt.
St. Petersburg Times (April 26, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that the army air forces have done away with kitchen police. A few specialists will take care of the work all the time, and the fliers can go off into the wild blue yonder without wondering if stray potato peelings are dangling from their flight jackets.
Naturally, K.P. has never been popular, but it did teach millions of husbands that kitchens aren’t enchanted rooms from which food issues, magically three times a day.
Of course, K.P. duty didn’t turn all husbands into busboys. The docile ones may scurry into the kitchen and wash dishes like mad when their wives make a noise like a sergeant, but those who were frightened by the big army cooking pots just lie on the floor and kick and scream when an apron is waved at them.
Oh, well, with former K.P.’s – as with all other males – marriage is a gamble anyhow.
The Pittsburgh Times (April 29, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – It’s pretty dangerous to say anything about Harvard, because those sons of the Crimson have a way of nominating people for “worst actress of the year” or “girl most likely to frighten bachelors.” But I can’t help sympathizing with the members of the freshmen class who had to wear tuxedos to their jubilee.
Tailors asked to make tuxedos just laughed hysterically as they pointed to empty shelves with one hand and flicked the dust from their cash registers with the other. So many freshmen dug in the family attic for Dad’s old swallowtails that there was a movement to change the name of the occasion from the “Freshman Jubilee” to the “Moth Ball.”
But you don’t have to go to Harvard to take a course to shortages. I’ve been taking one at home since 1941 and I wish in goodness somebody would give me my diploma.
The Boston Globe (April 30, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a pretty New York girl got her marriage annulled because her husband just wouldn’t take his nose out of a book, and I can sympathize with her. It’s all right for a man to read, but he shouldn’t overlook the really important things, such as his wife’s new hat and the fact that she’s lost three pounds on her diet.
Of course, I think husbands should be permitted to do some reading. It’s better to have a man who stays home and reads “The Lost Weekend” instead of dramatizing it in the neighborhood bar and grill. And though you may be a little jealous of his interest in Kitty, Amber or Scarlett O’Hara, you know it won’t get to the dangerous stage.
Goodness, George reads, too, but it will never break up our home. I can hold my own against Hopalong Cassidy’s charms and I’m much more alluring than the baseball averages.
St. Petersburg Times (May 1, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that on top of all their other problems the Japanese are wondering whether to give up their habit of bowing on all occasions.
The Japanese bow is supposed to be descended from the kowtow, in which you bump your forehead on the floor to show your respect for a superior. We have a form of it in our army, where enlisted men bump their foreheads with their hands when they are an officer. Naturally we don’t want our enlisted men to bump the floor because they’d then be on their knees, and that’s the way crap games start.
Thank goodness, we free and equal Americans would never stand for anything as humiliating as the Japanese bow. I kowtow to no one – that is, no one except the butcher, the milkman, the landlord, the maid, the nylon clerk, and a few dozen others.
St. Petersburg Times (May 2, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – My goodness, a Swiss scientist has just invented a machine which transmits smells by television. Naturally, it’s called “smell-o-vision” and a brilliant future is predicted for it.
All you have to do when you see a rose or a steak frying on the television screen is push a little button, and the room will be filled with the accompanying smell. If you happen to push the steak button and get the rose smell, there’s another button you push and say into the loudspeaker, “Operator, you gave me the wrong aroma.”
Personally, I think I’ll wait for grab-o-vision, when you can see a steak frying, push a button, and it will pop right into the room. And just wait till Charles Boyer appears in a grab-o-vision play! Can you imagine the button pushing that will go on?
Santa Maria Times (May 3, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a committee studying traffic accidents in Los Angeles has reported that the type of people who are the most unsafe drivers are geniuses. This was such a blow to my morale that I went right out and denied a fender.
Goodness, according to this report, people of below average intelligence get into terrific trouble because they’re not alert, and us geniuses do the same thing because we are thinking about abstract things. I’m not enough of a genius to know what abstract things but it’s nice to know they’re the things I think about.
George says an abstract thing is something that isn’t a concrete thing, which confuses me more than ever. But I do know what concrete things are. I should. I’ve run into enough of them.
St. Petersburg Times (May 6, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, girls, a Los Angeles judge has just dealt a severe blow to your sex. He ruled that when a hubby and wife come to the parting of the ways, the wife gets all the wedding presents.
My goodness! If every wife’s wedding presents look anything like mine, I think we should appeal this right up to the Supreme Court. That judge should just see the six-foot umbrella stand Cousin Louise gave George and me when we were married, to say nothing of that horrible lazy-Susan Aunt Gertrude bestowed upon us. Or was it a horrible lazy-Gertrude Aunt Susan bestowed upon us?
Then, of course, there’s the wedding gift we got from Aunt Edith and Uncle Al. We’re getting an even nicer present from them for our anniversary this year. They’re going to explain to us what their wedding gift is supposed to be.
St. Petersburg Times (May 7, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – My goodness, they’ve been holding classes in gum-chewing in a Chicago school! The teachers even pass out the guns. Well, I suppose there is some sense to the idea at that, because nothing helps a man so in adult life as the ability to chew gum in a distinguished well-bred way.
The teachers say that chewing gum keeps the kids out of mischief by working off their surplus energy, if that’s true. I hope the idea is extended to Washington. It would be nice if, when some of our congressmen got up to speak, all they did was blow a few bubbles.
George says he wishes they’ve had chewing-gum classes when he went to school, and examinations in the course, too. Because then he could have brought home a report card with one “A” on it occasionally.
The Pittsburgh Press (May 8, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, according to chiropodists young ladies’ feet are steadily getting larger, and I’m not surprised. You’re bound to spread out a little when you have to pound the pavements all day hunting for butter or a vacant apartment.
Once upon a time all a girl had to hunt for was a husband and that was no strain on the feet unless the poor man thought he could escape by running.
If female feet actually are getting bigger, shoe clerks will soon have to pass a rigid physical examination. The present crop of clerks can get a size five shoe on a size seven foot, but it will take a wrestling champion to get that same shoe on a size ten foot.
The size of feet doesn’t mean much anyhow. George’s are lots bigger than mine, but when I put my foot down I get results. When he puts his down, nothing happens at all.
The Pittsburgh Press (May 9, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that the Labor government of Britain is reeling under the attack of a gentlemen’s fashion journal over there called “The Tailor and Cutter.” In its opinion, the prime minister and the foreign minister wear clothes which are perfect examples of what the well-dressed Englishman wouldn’t be caught dead in.
However, I understand that clothes are even scarcer in England than they are here, and that’s true the two ministers deserve credit for not appearing in barrels.
Goodness, I don’t think clothes in politics are so very important. One politician may wear a silk topper and another may wear a derby, but does it really matter what kind of hat you talk through? And I shouldn’t think any congressman would ever waste his money on an expensive pair of trousers. I’ve heard that their opponents are always trying to make them lose their seat.
The Pittsburgh Press (May 10, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that some scientists made an investigation in Chicago schools and decided that you can’t tell bad boys by their looks or shapes. Only a scientist would have to go to school to find that out.
Dear me, people with shifty eyes are supposed to be untrustworthy, but what about the swindler who looks you right in the eye when he sells you the gold brick? And all fat people are supposed to be jolly, but you should hear the things they say when they get stuck in a revolving door. Or a low forehead doesn’t mean that a man is a criminal type. George wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Of course, by examining the looks and shapes of girls, I’d say you can tell the ones who will become short order cooks from the ones who will get movie contracts.
Santa Maria Times (May 13, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, girls, the International Ladies’ Handbag, Luggage, Belt and Novelty Workers Union says our handbags will be even larger this year, and many of them will be made of elephant skin. George said they’ll probably set a limit of one elephant to a customer. He never gets tired of jokes about the size of my purse, which makes one of us who doesn’t.
I admit I stuff lots of things into my handbag, but it’s not true, as he claims, that I once opened it after I’d been to the market and a small A&P clerk fell out.
Men carry silly things in their pockets too. George caught me going through his pockets once and accused me of looking for money. When I told him I was just looking for things to make me laugh he wouldn’t believe me. In fact, he made me give the money back.
The Pittsburgh Press (May 14, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that an ex-waiter in New York has invented a restaurant table to do away with waiters. The poor man probably got to brooding about the years he spent bringing in heavy trays and dishes and carrying out light nickels and dimes.
Anyhow, his table has a square hole in the center, the customer drops his order down a slot and a motor pushes his meal up through the hole. Right away I see a drawback, if you order a rare steak and a well-done one comes out, you’d look pretty silly yelling down a hole about it.
However, if he puts a larger hole in the center, I should think his invention would be fine for night clubs. When people reached that certain stage, they could fall into the table instead of under it. Neater and less noisy.
The Pittsburgh Press (May 15, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I just read that someone had invented an electrical screen that will kill flies, and in the same paper I read that Chicago had used candles to save electricity during the recent dimout caused by the coal shortage.
I think there’s a very good moral in those two stories. With all our wonderful new inventions, it’s still a sound idea to keep old standbys like candles and fly-swatters around, just in case. It’s ducky to have your work done by dishwashing machines and vacuum cleaners, but if something happens so they won’t run, it’s awfully convenient to have an old working model husband in reserve.
So girls, even when you finally get that new refrigerator, don’t forget to smile at the iceman when you pass him on the street. Things can happen to all mechanical contrivances, but as the poet says, “there’ll always be an iceman.”