The Pittsburgh Press (March 25, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Gracious, I never saw so many people worried about the international situation and our vexing domestic problems. All they talk about is whither are we drifting? My goodness, don’t they realize that this week is National Doughnut Week? When I saw that, I knew at least America is back on the road to normalcy.
And personally, I think it’s only right that doughnuts should have a week set aside in their honor. George claims that a doughnut is just a cruller that made both ends meet, but I love them. If you want to make me really happy, just give me a cup of coffee, a doughnut, and a pair of rubber gloves.
Well, now that the doughnut makers are about to have their week, how about the nylon people, too? I realize they haven’t a very big supply on hand, but couldn’t they at least hold a National Nylon Minute?
The Pittsburgh Press (March 26, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see that a woman’s organization in Southern California has broken into print with the suggestion that Uncle Sam be modernized. They want his whiskers shaved off and his old-fashioned costume removed. Though they don’t say where he could get a new suit of clothes.
Personally, I like Uncle Sam the way he is. I don’t want him to be wearing red-and-white striped slacks, a blue turtleneck sweater and a star-spangled beret, and looking like a combination of Van Johnson and Charles Boyer.
But can you imagine what would happen if that’s how he did look? Can’t you just see the recruiting posters with the new Uncle Sam on them, pointing a finger and saying, “I want you?” Why in one hour we’d have the biggest woman’s army the world ever saw!
The Pittsburgh Press (March 27, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, the housing shortage, like so many other things, has reached the wacky stage in California. A woman reported to the police that a man broke into her house, slept in an unused bedroom, took nothing, and even made the bed when he left. She was sure it was a man because the bed making was very amateurish. I know what she means for when George makes a bed it looks like somebody threw a sheet over Fibber McGee’s closet.
The Pittsburgh Press (March 28, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, the Fashion Academy picked America’s eleven best-dressed women and I wasn’t included. George says not to feel badly because he missed out on an honor too, by not being one of their husbands – he hadn’t been chosen one of America’s eleven brokest men.
Goodness, a place on that list must be quite a strain. If you were one of the exalted eleven and saw another woman wearing the same hat you’d probably scream and throw things. as it is, when I see somebody wearing a copy of my hat, I just scream. I don’t throw things because my aim is so bad.
I may not be one of the most fashionable elect, but when help was hardest to get I certainly did my bit for somebody else. The woman who condescended to fry the fish that our butcher condescended to sell me had the run of my wardrobe and I’m sure that I made her one of America’s eleven best-dressed cooks.
The Pittsburgh Press (March 29, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a Japanese doctor testified at a war crimes trial that Japanese husbands often slap their wives – not in anger, but in sympathy and love – in order to correct their faults. The doctor thought it was all right, and why shouldn’t he? He probably makes a lot of money treating wives for sympathetic bruises and loving contusions.
Over here if a man slugged his wife to express sympathy, he’d wind up needing quite a bit of it himself. And if he turned cave man and demonstrated his love with a right to the jaw, he’d soon wish he had a cave to hide in.
Goodness, if our occupation forces want to make Japan Democratic, they should go further than taking away Hirohito’s white horse. They should issue rolling pins to all the wives with a booklet showing the proper grip, swing, and follow through.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 1, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, a prominent Egyptian plan has started that every man should have four wives. He says that no one woman can fill all the matrimonial functions, so the only solution for a happy married life – from the male viewpoint – is to have a group of specialists.
This seems very impractical to me. A man with four wives couldn’t have any pictures in his house, because all the wall space would be taken up with mirrors, and, while he might have a fuss with one wife and keep it quiet, if all four got mad at him the neighbors could hardly overlook the picket line.
George was very complimentary to me when I told him about the idea. He said why should he be interested when at times I seem like 20 wives all by myself.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 2, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, the big toy fair in New York sounds pretty encouraging. The kids seem to prefer cowboy outfits over toy tanks and machine guns. It’s much nicer for children to want to be cowboys than soldiers. When they grow up, they forget the cowboy idea because there aren’t enough cows to go around. I hope there won’t be enough wars to go around either, some day.
Some of those military outfits are very realistic, though. I’ll never forget one red-cheeked little chap I saw in a shiny new second lieutenant’s uniform. Imagine my embarrassment when he turned out to be a real second lieutenant!
One new top is a locomotive that puffs real smoke and has a whistle. Goodness! It’s bad enough to fall over an ordinary toy engine, but I’d hate one that whistles at you when you trip and blows smoke in your face when you’re down.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 3, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – My goodness, what’s happening to red-blooded American womanhood? Nine policemen assigned to keep order in the nylon lines in Detroit were all withdrawn because the ladies were so ladylike. Not one woman was bitten, clawed or had her hair pulled, and not a soul checked into a hospital to have an umbrella removed. Could they have been real nylons?
If so, the Detroit ladies are far different from the feminine Angelenos. Out here, we have to have a rest home for shoppers. As you walk down the halls, you will see signs on each of the doors. “Washington Machine Ward” will be one: “Do Not Enter – Severe Butter Case” on another; and on still another, “Quiet – Girdle Victim.”
Personally, I think Detroit should erect a statute of its lady shoppers, as an example to the rest of the world in these troubled times.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 4, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – My goodness, President Truman caused quite a furor among style experts when he appeared at the Jackson Day dinner wearing a silver-streaked bow tie with his dinner jacket.
But the president, who can recognize a national trend as well as the next man, said that his streaked tie was really five years old. Whereupon there were rumors that the Republicans would try to stop him, by showing up for their next Lincoln Day dinner with no ties at all.
I know how the president feels. All you can find in men’s shops nowadays are collars for shirts they expect next month and suspenders for trousers they never expect to see.
And it’s nearly as bad for us girls. We go out and buy a permanent and a pair of shoes and then have to hunt all over town for something to go in between.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 5, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – My goodness, what terrible problems there are in the world these days: Labor, the international situation, production, prices, inflation – and now I’ve been reading about the trouble they’ve had moving a giraffe from the San Diego zoo to the one in San Francisco.
You see, they took it on a truck, and the giraffe is over 15 feet high, so every time they went through an underpass, they had to make it take a bow, or a curtsy – depending on whether it’s a giraffe or a giraffette. And they tried to make it understand that it was going to San Francisco to get married to another giraffe, thinking that ought to make it hang its head a little.
But that poor giraffe had one advantage over a lot of people I know in San Francisco. When it got there, it had a place to live.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 8, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Gracious, according to the latest census, California is the second largest state in the union and Los Angeles the fourth biggest city. We may be even bigger, because the census was taken by house-to-house canvass. And how many people have houses these days?
All these gains were made during the war, too, when California was begging people to stay away because it already was too crowded. It just shows you human nature.
Podunk could be twice as big as New York if its Chamber of Commerce would put out ads saying “Stay away from Podunk, where the sleet comes to spend the winter,” and “High taxes and open sewers make Podunk the unhealthiest, most dismal little city in the world.”
Why, the place would be mobbed by newcomers, and every New Year’s Day they’d probably have a rust-bowl game.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 9, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that in a New York hotel the other day, a Chinese official of the United Nations was handed a package of laundry by a woman who asked him to please have it back by Friday.
Personally, I think it’s a very encouraging sign when people are willing to entrust something of real value to the U.N. right from the start.
Naturally the official handed the laundry right back. After all, the U.N. had enough on its hands trying to get the Iranian situation through the wringer.
The report didn’t say whether the woman was embarrassed by her mistake. In a way, it was a natural one. Washing soiled linen in public has always been too much a part of the American political scene, and I suppose she thought it would extend to the U.N. Let’s all hope she was awfully wrong.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 10, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see that a Philadelphia brain specialist says people are lazy. They claim to be tired after an eight-hour working day. He thinks they could actually work from six in the morning until ten at night without fatigue, which proves that he may know a lot about the brain but doesn’t know much about the aching back.
Brain workers have the advantage over muscle workers. They can think about a problem for five minutes and then knock off and think about Lana Turner for a while, and nobody knows the difference. But if a man who’s working on an assembly line knocks off, he produces autos with only three wheels and that sort of gives him away.
Goodness, mental workers shouldn’t call anybody lazy. I suspect that lots of times when they’re supposed to be sitting and thinking, they’re really just plain sitting.
The Boston Globe (April 11, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
I see the government has announced that some clothing frills are no longer under the ban. We can have double cuffs again and flaps on our pockets and belts on our slacks. I can hardly wait to put on my belted, pocket-flapped, double-cuffed slack suit and go out to try to find a quarter of a pound of butter.
I just wonder if the men responsible for the return of these little luxuries will make an issue of it at election time. We may hear such slogans as “Vote for Senator John ‘Frills’ Fradkin, the Friend of the Pocket Flap.”
Even the British government is permitting women to have bows on their undies again. I’ve always wanted to meet the British official who had the job of making sure that no such bows were worn. He either had rare diplomacy or a permanent black eye.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 12, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see Mrs. Truman has invited the ten members of her Independence, Mo., bridge club t spend a weekend at the White House. I’m sure the ladies will have a lovely time. I will be nice for the president too, to have so many people around who don’t want anything from him.
The ladies must be very excited, and I know how they feel. It would be a great social triumph if I ever played with Mrs. Truman, but it would have its drawbacks, too. If I were her partner, I wouldn’t know whether trumping her ace would be a faux pas or a federal offense.
The president – no bridge player – now has a horseshoe pitching course on the White House grounds and I think he should invite Mr. Stalin and Mr. Bevin over for a game. Goodness knows, we’re all going to need the horseshoes if they don’t get together.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 15, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, the biggest excitement in the first Jap post-war election was when one of the anti-Hirohito opponents referred to the emperor as “that guy.”
This marks them as beginners in politics.
Over here, if an opponent calls you nothing worse than “that guy,” you feel he ought to drop out of politics and take up tatting.
Of course, it was a shock to Hirohito, who once claimed he was a son of heaven. American politicians – not even those from California – ever made such a claim.
The emperor will find that his supporters cause him more trouble than his opponents. So far, he hasn’t had his imperial back pounded by ward bosses from the South Fujiyama District, or had his royal hand wrung to a pulp by 700 members of the Kobe Marching and Sukiyaki Club.
He hasn’t even been photographed wearing an Indian war bonnet.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 16, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a talent contest was held in Australia and the two winners have arrived in California to begin their movie careers. They’re somewhat different from the usual movie contest winners as both of them happen to be kangaroos. They arrived on the same boat with a group of Australian war brides, none of whom had Hollywood contracts. On the other hand, neither of the kangaroos had American husbands.
Goodness! I wonder how the two lucy contestants were chosen. How could the judges decide which ones had the most talent when it’s pretty obvious that one kangaroo looks as good in a bathing suit as any other kangaroo?
George said the studio that hired them better watch out or the kangaroos would jump their contracts. When I just looked at him, he explained that it was a joke. I do wish husbands would explain those things in advance.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 17, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see Washington says famous people don’t live as long as ordinary folks. I don’t know about that. As far as I can see, an unknown strip-teaser has as good a chance of catching pneumonia as Gypsy Rose Lee. And I can’t think why a famous writer like myself should live as long as comparative unknowns like Mark Twain and Benjamin Franklin.
I guess, living in Washington, this sociologist must be all mixed up about who’s famous and who’s ordinary. Take some members of our Congress, for instance – they’re liable to be both.
Personally, I’d say the greatest influence on long life is marriage. Look at all the stories about folks celebrating their golden weddings, and you’ll find they’re invariably married people.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 18, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Easter, high point of spring fashion, is almost with us, and in that vein, I see a group of determined Boston ladies have organized a fashion club to prove they’re just as stylish as the highly-publicized women in New York. Goodness! I should say they are.
I think Boston men look just as stylish as the men of Manhattan, too. For instance, if a Bostonian and a New Yorker walk into a men’s shop, nine chances out of 10 they both will order the same kind of suit, shirt, tie and socks.
Then the clerk will apologize to them for not having any of the desired articles, and they’ll both walk out wearing what they wore last year.
The Pittsburgh Press (April 19, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, as the election returns come in from Japan, they show that the Japs haven’t lost their old talent for imitation. They’re just elected a hillbilly musician to their Congress. The statesman west on tour among his constituents with a violin and a comedy patter, and the only votes in his district he didn’t get went to Jack Benny.
The Japs also cast quite a few votes for Gen. MacArthur, who wasn’t running for anything. George says this is based on the sound old American principles of “if you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em.”
A lot of Japs didn’t vote for anyone at all; they just indicated on their ballots that they’d like some more food. Personally, I think this is an improvement on our own system. I’d rather cast my vote for a pound of butter, a pair of nylons or a three-room apartment than for a lot of our candidates to Congress.