The Pittsburgh Press (December 27, 1941)
Rambling Reporter
By Ernie Pyle
SAN FRANCISCO – This city is grave about the war, but like London it still must have its little war jokes, which is as it should be.
For example, I have a friend here who has registered for civil defense, and when people ask her what branch she applied for, she says she signed up to be a “victim.” She says that with everybody else in town signed up to be rescuers, there won’t be anybody left for the bombs to hit, so she has decided, like Barbara Fritchie, to stick out her neck in the name of patriotism.
Another thing – the Government in wartime is always giving you dire warnings not to repeat rumors. Of course the theory is good, but as far as I’ve been able to see the Government is wasting its breath.
It’s simply human nature to gossip. People have to talk in a tense period or they go crazy. I sort of doubt that people can be preached out of rumor-mongering. The best way, it seems to me, is to handle rumors as one hero here handled the submarine story.
On that first night’s bad scare there was a wild rumor abroad that a Jap submarine was lying right under the Golden Gate Bridge, just lying there like a porpoise, looking around.
Well, an awful lot of people really believe it. And to one of these believers our man the next morning spoke as follows:
“Well, they’ve caught the submarine.”
“Oh, wonderful,” was the answer. “I’m so relieved. How did they catch it?”
“Why they caught it in a fish net. In fact, Joe DiMaggio’s father caught it, and they’ve got the sub on exhibition down at DiMaggio’s restaurant now.”
That ended the submarine story.
And I know another funny war story although it’s actually pre-war. It seems that a few months ago the Army issued a strict prohibition against any soldier in uniform going into a house of prostitution.
So what happened? So an enterprising business man adjourned to one of the small cities down the coast, where the big Army camps are situated, bought up all the mechanics’ coveralls he could find, and proceeded to rent them to soldiers at two bits an hour to cover their uniforms. They say he is rolling in jack now.
Here’s ready-to-use victim
The editorial rooms of The San Francisco News have been equipped with blackout curtains, just as are all editorial rooms in London. The other night one of my friends on the staff of The News was caught at a party by a blackout, and it was fairly late when the “all clear” went. My friend lived clear across town, and he was due at work on an early shift, so he decided to go right to the office and sleep there the rest of the night.
He stretched out on a couch in the office of one of the editors, right beneath a window, and went to sleep with his clothes on. After daylight he was awakened by the startled shouts of a copy boy. My friend roused up, looked around, and found he was covered with broken glass.
It seems that during the night somebody had thrown a gas tank cap through the window and showered my sleeping friend with splintered window glass. And he never even woke up. He’s what I would call the ideal, housebroken, ready-to-use bomb victim.
Axis supporter loses money
But the funniest story yet, to me, was the one my little Japanese girl was telling. She’s completely on our side, no question about that. But she also knows a bargain when she smells it.
One day just before Christmas she was downtown buying some small Christmas trees. She stopped at a stand, and found the price for two little trees was $3.50. She thought that was too high, so she started haggling with the stand man. Now the stand man happened to be Italian. So suddenly he stopped gabbling at his new customer, looked at her closely, and said, “Are you Chinese or Japanese?”
“Japanese,” she said.
The Italian smiled and beamed his comradeship. “Ah, in that case,” he said, “you can have 75 cents off, we will deliver them, and I will pay the sales tax myself.”
“But 75 cents isn’t enough off for those little ones,” our girl said. “If you’ll give me two bigger ones at that price, I’ll take them.”
So that’s the way it wound up. Two big trees, 75 cents off, no sales tax, and free delivery, just because an Italian had an attack of the old Axis fellowship but forgot that most Japanese out here are really American. And nothing else. My Japanese girl laughs and laughs when she tells about it.