The Pittsburgh Press (September 12, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, the OPA has made a statement that will find its place in the immortal annals of American history. To the brave slogans of the past, such as “Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death” and “Don’t Give Up the Ship” has been added the OPA’s thrilling new battle cry, “The Nickel Cup of Coffee Must Stay.”
How smart they were to take that attitude! They can fool around with the price of anything else and we’ll only grumble, but if they ever did away with the nickel cup of coffee we’d rise up in our wrath and spray the OPA with DDT.
After all, the nickel cup of coffee is part of our national tradition. Lincoln probably had one before Gettysburg. Dewey probably had one before Manila and I know that George had several just before our marriage ceremony, getting up enough courage to borrow some money from me for the license.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 13, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – The supposedly conservative Englishmen have beaten their American cousins all to pieces in that popular domestic game in which the husband explains to his wife why he won’t be home until very late. Our men fall back on such threadbare favorites as the sick friend or the customer from out of town, but a group of Englishmen have formed a snail-watching society and blandly tell their better halves that they have to go out and watch snails all night.
It certainly would be awful if anything like that caught on over here. I can just hear George saying, “Don’t wait up for me, dear. Tonight is the big meeting of the Potato-Bug Peekers” or “I’d better hurry; the boys are initiating me into the Grasshopper Gazers.”
If that should happen, the best counteraction for American wives is to form a society of worm-watchers – and you know the worms I mean.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 16, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, there isn’t any meat in the neighborhood markets, but, goodness knows, there seems to be a lot of slaughter going on in the Stock Market. It’s even hit George, sometimes known as the boy plunger of Maple Ave.
George gave up his favorite brand of cigars for months in order to save enough money to buy a share of stock. From the aroma of things in Wall Street, he might just as well have bought the cigars.
Won’t men ever learn? Back in 1929 thousands of them lost their shirts in the crash. Now they’re at it again at a time when clothing stores can’t even sell them shirts to lose.
Goodness, I don’t pretend to talk about bulls and bears. All I know is that winter is coming on, and my poor little pigeon has been plucked.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 17, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see where a Japanese gentleman named Takagi thinks that Emperor Hirohito, as part of his punishment, should fly to the United States and apologize to President Truman for his part in the war. Mr. Takagi, a vitamin manufacturer, sounds as if he’s been taking too much of his own product.
In the first place, if plane reservations are as hard to get in Japan as they are here, it would take Hirohito several months to get one.
After he arrived in Washington, he’d need several more months to find a hotel room.
Then years would pass while he stood in line outside the White House waiting for delegations of Elks from Missouri to shake the President’s hand.
By the time he finally got into the White House, Mr. Truman may be out of office and when Hirohito says, “I want to apologize for the war,” the new chief executive would probably say, “What war?”
I think he’d better mail his apology to Gen. MacArthur.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 18, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Field Marshal Montgomery, the British military leader who is touring the United States, has announced somewhat proudly that some kind American airmen taught him to shoot craps while flying him from one base to another.
Maybe it’s none of my business, Monty, but I’d just like to warn you that you’re playing with fire. Craps is a Yankee game, completely unsuited to gentlemen of the English peerage. The dice respond to cries such as “Come on, Little Joe,” or “Baby needs a new pair of shoes.” I somehow can’t picture them answering such summonses as “I say, Joseph, old bean,” or “Junior requires a new pair of jodhpurs.”
You may think it presumptuous for little me to be issuing warnings to you, the hero of El Alamein, but I know how much the old school tie means to you. Well, believe me, if you keep shooting craps you’ll lose not only your old school tie, but your old school shirt.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 19, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – My husband, George, is all excited about the pennant race between the Brooklyn Dodgers and the St. Louis Cardinals. He seems to favor the Bums, though I can’t understand why. Personally, I’ve always thought George was quite a Card.
It’s not my business to take sides, but I can’t help thinking it would be a good thing for world peace if Brooklyn won the National League pennant. A World Series in Brooklyn would take a lot of strain off the Paris Peace Conference. In ordinary times, its unnerving to read headlines like “Britain Alarmed,” or “Russia Angry,” but they fade away when that old favorite, “Brooklyn Fans Riot” appears.
George says he thinks the Dodger influence has already seeped into our own government. He says it’s the only way to explain Byrnes and Wallace in the pitcher’s box at the same time.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 20, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I’ve just been reading a very touching story in the papers. It seems that the black-market meat operators are crying their little eyes out because even they can’t find any meat to black market and have to eat last week’s meat loaf at home the same as everyone else.
Have you ever noticed there’s something almost pitiful in how foolish villains look without something to be villainous about? A black-market meat operator without meat is like Bluebeard without a wife or a mummy without a curse or Boris Karloff in a sunsuit.
Anyway, as long as there’s no meat in sight, and you black-market people are out of work, why don’t you pitch in and create a shortage of those three-for-a-nickel cigars my husband smokes? I believe you boys and those cigars have a lot in common.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 23, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – In these days of shortages it’s cheering to see that monogrammed diapers are now on sale in an exclusive Chicago children’s shop.
Gracious, I’ll bet you mothers are dancing with joy! Who cares about a refrigerator or washing machine – monogrammed diapers are here! Now, please don’t think I’m unsympathetic but I respectfully suggest that no one will care whether diapers are monogrammed or not if someone doesn’t hurry up and put out some laundry soap to wash them with.
Oh well, I suppose in about 40 years there’ll be biographies of presidential candidates reading like this: “Francis Flugey was born in the dark days of World War II and early learned what privation is like. As a baby he never knew the luxury of monogrammed diapers.”
The Pittsburgh Press (September 24, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a Michigan lady who is famous as a child research expert says that bobbysoxers are endangering future generations by their eating habits. It seems they skip meals to lose weight and then tuck in ice-cream sodas by carload lots.
This is surprising to me, because I thought they would need at least three square meals a day to enable them to run after Frank Sinatra and Van Johnson and try to rip buttons off their coats.
Well, the bobbysoxers are dieting so they can acquire the physique of their idol, Sinatra. So mothers, instead of trying to fatten up a few million headstrong youngsters, let’s fatten up Frankie Boy and they’ll follow suit.
We’d better not go on record against a diet of ice-cream sodas. If the meat shortage continues, we may all be living on them soon.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 25, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, Mr. Harold Carlton of the American Automobile Association, says that on the whole, women are better drivers than men. I think Mr. Carlton either has a very open mind or a very strong wife.
He also said that husbands shouldn’t criticize when their wives are at the wheel because it makes them nervous and gives them an inferiority complex. But I honestly don’t see how it’s possible to feel inferior to a man who points at a two-ton truck ahead of you and screams, “Look out there’s a car coming!” As if he’d made a great discovery.
However, there may be something to that nervous angle. I’ve often wondered why I crumple the fenders and put dents in the hood when I take the car out alone. Now I see it’s all due to nervousness caused by thinking of the nasty remarks George would make if he was with me.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 26, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well girls, the lady president of the National Hairdressers and Cosmetologists Association says the glamor puss and the siren are on their way out and the sweet, demure girl is coming back into favor. Lipstick and pancake make-up will be scrapped as obsolete weapons and we’ll go into the battle of life armed only with a nice maidenly blush.
In my opinion, maidenly blushers are fine if you just skirmish around with college boys, but it takes a burst of powder and salvo of paint to bring down bigger game. And I’ve noticed that carefully aimed false eyelashes will make most any butcher surrender a pork roast.
So my advice is, give the demure stuff a fair try but keep a stock pile of atomic rouge and perfume in your purse. Then, if gentle appeasement gets you nowhere you can always switch back to a “get touch” policy.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 27, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see that after a seven-year social breathing spell, the White House will again be the scene of state dinners this season. With power politics putting everybody on edge, the President and his wife might feel safer if they restricted themselves to a small party for the Martins and the Coys.
In the good old, or at least the quiet old, Hoover days, if somebody dropped a hot potato in the French ambassador’s lap, the whole thing was cleaned up with a little tact and benzine. But now think what might happen if the minister from Turkey and the Russian ambassador happened to reach for the same slice of bread!
When Mrs. Truman figures out the seating arrangements she’ll have to make sure that a neutral diplomat is put between diplomats from countries who are treading on the tails of each other’s coats. And since Switzerland is the most neutral country, I suggest she’d better put the Swiss ambassador between Secretary Byrnes and Mr. Wallace.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 30, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I read recently about the death of Minnie Esso, that famous cat which appeared for years on the payroll of the Standard Oil Co. Minnie worked as an expert mouser and was paid $4.40 a month.
In all her years of service she got only one raise to meet the increased cost of canned salmon – but she made no pleas to John L. Lewis.
From her employer’s standpoint, Minnie was an ideal employee. She never insisted on vacations in the Catskills or demanded a herring and a half for overtime. Her mousing record shows she never struck in sympathy when Watchdogs’ Local No. 202 walked out.
Maybe cats could be trained for all sorts of jobs. I even visualized cats for Congress, but then I figured that wouldn’t work. When large numbers of cats congregate in one place – such as a back fence – they act entirely too much like human beings.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 1, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see that the British delegates at the Paris peace conference carry on their telephone conversations in Gaelic to keep possible eave droppers from understanding what they are saying. Well, I’m sure that lots of Americans who have tried to follow the dialogue in British movies will wonder why they just don’t use their everyday speech.
George says that our delegates won’t have to switch from their own language to foil listeners because the greatest of foreign linguists wouldn’t know what was meant by “Truman says tell Byrnes to pitch low inside curve to Molotov.”
Actually, I don’t suppose the delegates worry very much about their inability to understand each other. From the way the conference has been going they don’t need words to make their thoughts perfectly clear. All they have to do is apply their thumbs to their nose.
The Boston Globe (October 2, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Goodness knows, I always try to find cheerful things to tell people about, so I certainly must comment on the price of one important commodity coming down. I refer to airmail stamps, which now only cost a nickel. That makes them just about the cheapest thing on the market today. If only they were good to eat!
George and I are sending airmail letters far and wide. For who can tell? – If other industries find out that the Post Office is making a bigger profit by reducing prices, they may follow suit.
George recalled the late Vice President Tom Marshall’s famous remark about this country needing a good five-cent cigar. “And you see what happened,” he commented. “What this country got was a good five-cent airmail stamp.” Of course you can’t smoke an airmail stamp, though judging from the aroma sometimes, I’d say that’s just what George is doing.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 3, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see that someone made a survey in Springfield, Mass., and discovered that waitresses with shapely legs in transparent skirts got larger tips than those wearing ordinary skirts. The story didn’t say, but I think the survey must have been confined to male diners.
But Goodness, you can’t blame the men for looking at waitresses’ legs, considering that there’s precious little to look at on the plates these days. You put a nice order of leg of lamb or leg of veal or even frog legs down in front of a customer, and he wouldn’t care if the waitress was a mermaid.
Still, we average citizens shouldn’t complain too much about the meat shortage. The American Institute just had a big banquet and what do you think they served? Turkey.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 4, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – “Career girls want handsome husbands.” … No, I’m not quoting from a want ad, but from a recent survey. It seemed the tired business woman is tired of the “shaggy-dog” type of man. She wants to find a decorative male waiting when she comes home after a hard day’s work, because that’s the time she wants to be wooed. Personally, my impulse is to go for a nice hot footbath.
According to the survey, a working woman would like to look across the dinner table at men like Tyrone Power and Howard Hughes. What woman wouldn’t? Of course, with the working woman there’s an extra incentive. She could quit working.
After all, a handsome husband is something like a nice wall painting. You can concentrate on looks just so long. And my George is just as decorative as any other male as he sits behind his breakfast table newspaper.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 7, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – They say that every cloud has a silver lining, and sure enough, even the paper shortage has finally disclosed a bright side. The government printer has announced that he may not have enough paper to print next year’s income-tax blanks.
My husband, George, says this is the greatest announcement since Roosevelt declared the bank moratorium.
The income tax department will find some way to send those blanks, even if they have to print them on the backs of old political speeches. Then you will get equally confused reading either side.
But George is really concerned.
Even with his shirt shortage he’ll be glad to oblige the government by putting his tax on the cuff.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 8, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – The Army has announced it’s experimenting with rocket-equipped tanks that can jump over streams, ditches and other obstructions. This should lead to rocket-equipped autos, wherein I see the first ray of hope for us desperate pedestrians. When we’re caught in the middle of the street, we have only to duck and the cars can fly over our heads.
But there’d be disadvantages, too. I’ve always been able to escape even the most determined motorist by running home to the safety of my bedroom. It would be pretty discouraging to look from my second-story window and see some driver preparing to jet-propel his car at me again.
The Army is also experimenting with rockets to attach to individuals enabling them to hurdle walls, etc. Personally, I can’t wait to get equipped with my little pocket. Imagine being able to hope over nylon lines and butchers’ counters!
The Pittsburgh Press (October 9, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a gentleman who has been doing some political campaigning in Michigan thinks there should be a law against serving nothing but chicken croquettes at banquets. His tour covered 12,000 miles and he averaged something like a croquette and a half to the mile.
Personally, I think it was very clever of the men who arranged the menus that way if the food was good. How could they get anybody to push their plates aside and listen to political speeches?
But, goodness! In my opinion, such a restricted diet could have a very bad effect on our politicians. I pointed out to George that if they kept on eating nothing but chicken some of them might get up in Congress and lay an egg. But he said it was already too late to worry about that.