The Pittsburgh Press (August 15, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a naturalist up in Oregon has observed an eagle swimming around in Crater Lake, and I can only say that it is a very intelligent and foresighted bird. The Bikini bomb tests left quite a few ships floating on the water, but the dry land is no longer a safe place to roost, as any citizen of Hiroshima can tell you.
A back-to-the-water movement wouldn’t have too much effect on our national life. People who can’t find apartments would just become people who couldn’t find houseboats, and dealers who promise you the next available new car would guarantee you delivery of a new canoe.
Now that the amphibious American eagle has been sighted, I’m waiting to hear reports of a British lion seen diving from the white cliffs of Dover and of a Russian bear placing an order for water wings.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 16, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see that in England policemen may start collecting fines from motorists when caught at the scene of a violation, and I don’t think much of the idea.
When I’m given a ticket I’m in no mood to pay a fine because the officer will never agree that the accident wasn’t my fault.
But after I’ve gone home and explained to George how a fireplug leaped out and crumpled my fender, I’m more willing to be a good sport about it.
And goodness knows, policemen are impatient enough without having to wait around while a lady driver fishes her $2 fine, in nickels and dimes, from her change purse.
Also, what if this on-the-spot-system were applied to other misdemeanors, such as disturbing the peace? Officers would have to sit around in barrooms waiting for some customer to have one cocktail too many – that that would be bad for morale.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 19, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see that there’s some confusion over the sale of Hitler’s yacht. Well, I can’t understand why anybody would want it, realizing who the previous owner was. Instead, of saying “chug-chug” the engine probably says “heil-heil” and if his Greater Germany was supposed to last a thousand years, how long could you expert a little thing like his yacht to hold up?
An English theater magnate almost bought it to convert it into a pleasure steamer, but I don’t think that would have worked so well. An Englishman’s idea of pleasure in connection with Hitler’s yacht would be to sink it, even if he were a passenger on it.
Maybe it would be better to turn the yacht over to the United Nations as a permanent exhibit. Then, if some foolish man got dictatorial notions, they could show it to him and say, “Watch out or you’ll be in the same boat.”
The Pittsburgh Press (August 20, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a Canadian parliament member, who must have suffered, wants gadgets put on juke boxes so a person who doesn’t want music can drop a nickel in and shut it off.
This would be fine when the music lover who put in the first nickel isn’t bigger than you are. But what would happen if George stopped a record of “O Sole Mio” which had been started by Primo Carnera?
However, the idea might lead to Pullman porters who could be paid a little extra not to beat you half to death with a whiskbroom, and a more expensive radio that automatically shut off when any announcer says “folks–”.
And the ultimate would be a comfortable air-cooled movie theater where you could go in, slip off your shoes and pay to have a screen put in front of you if the film being shown wasn’t a Charles Boyer picture.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 21, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Maybe, after all, things are creeping back to normal. I recently saw a picture of President Truman taken with three Indians in costume. My goodness, it brought to mind the good old days when a President of the United States wasn’t regarded as being officially in office until he’d been photographed wearing a war bonnet and surrounded by Redskins.
President Truman was presented with a peace pipe by his Indian friends, and I hope he sends it to the Paris peace conference, which is beginning to sound like Custer’s last stand. When the Indians made peace, they simply puffed on the pipe, but when we make peace we huff and we huff with lots more huffing than puffing.
George says the trouble with present-day international relations is that the diplomats put away the peace pipe and start swinging the lead pipe instead.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 22, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that Field Marshal Lord Montgomery says British soldiers should have bedrooms and sitting rooms to live in instead o barracks an should be allowed to read in bed. I’m pretty sure there’s a connection between his remarks and the British army needing 100,000 recruits.
If those reforms go through Rudyard Kiplin’s famous poems will have to be given new verses such as “oh, it’s Tommy this and Tommy that, and here’s your bedroom slippers; and pretty soon the mail will come to bring your tea and kippers.” And when the King rewards a civilian for some great service, he won’t make him a knight. He’ll just make hi a private in the Army.
I believe that soldiers should have all possible comforts but reading in bed might have military drawbacks. Suppose the enemy attacks while they’re all reading the kind of book that you can’t put down until you finish!
The Pittsburgh Press (August 23, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that the atomic bomb has invaded the world of art, or at least the world of tattooing. Many sailors are now having that famous mushroom cloud put on their chests instead of such slogans as “Joe Loves Mabel,” and I’m sure the cloud will prove safer for Joe if he ever married a girl named Peggy.
I think the idea of having historical scenes tattooed could be made very educational. Fifty years from now children who find history books dull could persuade Grandpa to open his shirt and show them “Byrnes defying Molotov in Paris” or “Sinatra listening to a Como record.” Even on a chest the size of George’s there would be room for some of the activities of ex-Mayor LaGuardia.
Naturally we girls won’t go in for that form of art. Carrying around tattooed current events would date us terribly.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 26, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Goodness knows, I’ve heard George scream enough about the scarcity of men’s clothing, but I didn’t realize how bad it was until I read about a man in Port Huron, Michigan, who was put in jail for stealing some clothes to get married in. What’s more, it was said he took them from a man who needed them to wear as best man at another wedding.
Unless something is done about the clothing shortage, the grass widow will be replaced by the herringbone old maid.
If Cupid doesn’t want to find himself out of a job he’d better trade in his bow and arrow for a pair of shears and a needle – and get busy fast.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 27, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a doctor at a veterans’ hospital says chubby girls make the best hostesses, because they have warmer personalities and don’t fly off the handle easily.
Personally, I think many fat people are only warmer because of the fleshy overcoats they wear, and don’t fly off the handle because they’re not built for flying.
It’s an old belief that weight and good nature go together; but what about the Emperor Nero who had to go through the palace door sideways when he went to watch somebody thrown to the lions?
And what about Herman Goering, who is a very big man and also a very big several other things which a lady can’t mention?
Goodness, I’m not chubby, but I have a wonderful disposition – while some of my stout girl friends go into violent tantrums, particularly when they realize they have to wear girdles and I don’t.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 28, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Gosh, I notice that a Japanese newspaper polled its readers to see how they felt about kissing scenes in the movies and 73 percent said they should be eliminated.
What odd, little people! They recently eliminated the idea that they were sons of heaven, which must have been fun, and now they’re going sour on kissing.
But what really amazed me was that many of them thought the kissing scenes should be cut because the technique was clumsy. Imagine setting themselves up as technical experts! Why, I’ll bet Jap men don’t know how to get a maximum of enjoyment with a minimum of lipstick, and the girls don’t know which foot to kick when they’re kissed standing up.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 29, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that Dr. Clifford R. Adams at Pennsylvania State College says that four million American women will never find husbands unless they move to places where there are more men than women. But what if they move and then can’t find a place to live?
If a girl has a comfortable apartment she’s not apt to give it up during this period of housing shortage even to go in search of a man. She’s more likely to set a bear trap outside her door and hope for the best.
Dr. Adams picks the West as having the best opportunities for husband hunters, so they’d best copy their pioneer ancestors and come in covered wagons. At least they’ll have a roof over their heads. And they could hope some nice-looking Indians might chase the wgons for old times’ sake.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 30, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see that a perfume expert warns girls not to over-scent themselves when they’re out to snare a man because too much perfume just makes the quarry nervous. I think she’s absolutely right about using this weapon in moderation. After all, when you’re hunting rabbits you don’t use an atomic bomb.
The names of outstanding perfumes suggest what results you may get by using them too heavily. For instance, too much “shocking” and you may become terrifying. Or too much “intoxication” and the result may be blotto. Or too much “follow me” and the man may go right on by.
There’s only one scent which a girl can’t use too lavishly when she wants to bag a husband. That’s the scent of onions – spread on top of a steak which she grills on her own kitchen stove.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 2, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a fashion expert says that men are the best judges of what a woman wears, but I don’t know. George is so unobservant that I could wear a ballet skirt and a diving helmet to dinner and he’d never notice the difference. The only time he pays attention to anything I have on is when I get a new hat, and then his screams can be heard for blocks.
I’ll never forget the time I wasn’t feeling well and he went to a big social function without me. When he came home I asked him what Greer Garson and Claudette Colbert wore and he snapped right back with an answer. Unfortunately, the answer was “huh?”
Goodness, a husband doesn’t care whether his wife’s new gown gives her a wasp-waist silhouette or a ruffled silhouette. He just doesn’t want to give his pocketbook a flat silhouette.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 3, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see that a famous scientist is working on a scheme to send radio broadcasts to the moon and later on to achieve reception here from the moon. Well, the ones from here should give comedians their first opportunity in years to tell their jokes to someone who hasn’t heard them before.
It’s the programs we may get from the other end that worry me. I have enough trouble listening to all our daytime serial programs without trying to keep up with such new items as “The Man in the Moon’s Other Wife,” sponsored by Luna Girl Green Cheese makers.
I suppose earth-to-moon radio would be a great achievement but dear me, I wish that famous scientists had the courage to tackle the even tougher problem of making Model 1939 cars go up Model 1946 hills.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 4, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I suppose you’ve read about that wild boy they found wandering with a herd of gazelles over there in the Syrian desert. He doesn’t speak or understand any language, and he eats nothing but grass and roots.
What a wonderful life! He never had to worry about skyrocketing food prices or about world peace. And now, when the diplomats argue, he doesn’t understand what they’re talking about. Come to think of it, who does?
What’s more, they say this boy who lives on grass and roots can run fifty miles an hour. Why, if you could run that fast you wouldn’t need an auto! Say maybe that’s the answer for those millions of us who are tired of waiting for new cars.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but George and I are having grass and roots for dinner.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 5, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see where doctors predict that, due to new scientific feeding and care, babies who are born now may live to over a hundred years of age. Well, that’s good, because the way things look it will take them just about that long to find a place to live.
Honestly, isn’t it funny the way life equalizes things? It’s like the old joke about the man who worked hard and saved his money and finally became rich, but by the time he could afford a good steak he had no teeth left with which to eat it.
And that’s how it seems to be with everything. For example, with our vitamin pills, etc., we can expect to live about 10 years longer than our grandmothers and grandfathers. But along come all the shortages and we spend that 10 years standing in line for nylons, paper napkins, soap and food!
The Pittsburgh Press (September 6, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Advice to the lovelorn isn’t exactly my department. But today I’m going to dish out a little advice to you girls. Sociologists say that prospective husbands are getting scarcer every day and girls are getting choosier. More and more of you prefer a good job to a not-so-good husband.
Now I think it’s fine for a girl to stand on her own feet rather than have a dubious husband around standing on them. But there’s such a thing as being too exacting. Putting a prospective husband under a microscope is fatal to romance. And there’s a good reason why so many girls close their eyes when they kiss.
After all, there are only two women who can have Charles Boyer and George. And wouldn’t it be silly for dog lovers to go without pets just because they can’t have Lassie?
The Pittsburgh Press (September 9, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I’ve just been reading about the war veterans going to Alaska to begin new lives, and how their wives were all pleasantly surprised to find nylons, steaks, home appliances, and all the dear remembered things of the past.
Personally, I always had a hunch that Alaska, outwardly posing as a rugged frontier region, was really the last outpost of genteel civilization. Today, while we in the States drive old cars and eat strange looking meat loaves, up North the natives awake to the sound of good alarm clocks, eat filet mignons, and live the life of Reilly instead of that of Robert W. Service.
I’ve heard about the salesman who was so good he sold an electric refrigerator to an Eskimo. Well, now that the Eskimo seems to have one, I’d like to hear about a salesman so good that he got the Eskimo to sell the refrigerator to him.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 10, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I don’t know about you, but all this talk about a rocket trip to the moon in the near future has got me pretty excited. In fact, I’ve been trying to get in an application on the first passenger-carrying moon rocket.
First of all, due to the lack of gravity on the moon, a 170-pound man would weigh only 35 pounds. Now wouldn’t it be a cinch to handle a 35-pound husband, girls?
Another interesting thing there – the days and nights are two weeks long. Think of that – 336 hours in every day. Goodness, think of all the shopping we could get done in an 84-hour afternoon!
Yes, life on the moon certainly would be different. Up there, if you invited your relatives over to spend Thanksgiving, they’d stay 14 days. Say, come to think of it, that’s not so different at that!
The Buffalo News (September 11, 1946)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that a man in Massachusetts picketed a clothes cleaner’s place because the cleaner had lost the man’s best pants. I admit he had reason to be upset. But if everybody with a private peeve becomes a picket there’s no telling where it will end. The streets would be so full of irritated people carrying signs that the highest income taxes would soon be paid by sign painters.
Parades of tough-steak buyers would wear a path in front of every butcher shop and there’s bound to be a steady stream of bobbysoxers with banners outside of any movie theater that didn’t run a Van Johnson picture.
I might take up the idea myself and picket our house with a sign reading, “My husband sent back my new hat.” But if I did, I’m afraid I’d bump into George with a sign that read, “my wife burned the toast again this morning.”