The Boston Globe (December 3, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
Talk about a man biting a dog! Mayor Bowron of Los Angeles has just issued a statement asking people to stay away from his city. This, from the town that used to spend millions annually to attract tourists! My, how they must be dancing in the streets down in Florida.
Mayor Bowron says there aren’t enough accommodations for the folks there now. So probably pretty soon you’ll be reading Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce ads like, “Don’t visit dull, drab Los Angeles, where sunshine is unknown. If you must come West, for goodness sake, go to Seattle or Sacramento – but don’t come here!”
We may even have to change the names of several things. A sun porch will probably become a “smog balcony,” an orange grove a “smudge orchard” and swimming pools will be known as open plumbing.
The Boston Globe (December 4, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
My goodness, I see where an organization has been formed in St. Paul to keep all divorcees from acting in the movies. If they succeed, we’ll be seeing plenty of Margaret O’Brien on the screen.
Even if they fail to bar divorcees from acting, the St. Paul group feels that each actor or actress should have the number of divorces next to his or her name. Which means that theater marquees would read like this: “Barbara La Tour (3), Roscoe Bumpkin (4), In ‘Old Indiana’ (2,358,921), with Marilyn Slurb (any day now).”
Well, of course, all this doesn’t affect me, except that some people might misunderstand if “Gracie Allen (0)” went up on a marquee. As a matter of fact, the subject of divorce never comes up in my case, except maybe when I bring home a new hat. And that doesn’t happen more than four or five times a week.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 5, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, the ex-servicemen have established a beachhead in all the clothing stores in the country. I hear they’re buying practically every suit in stock. But for some reasons ex-soldiers don’t seem to care for brown or tan and ex-sailors have a funny prejudice against blue.
My goodness, it’s almost impossible for a man to get a new suit unless he can show a service discharge. Why, when George mentioned he had been an air raid warden, all the shop offered to sell him was a feather to stick in his helmet.
Naturally our returned servicemen should have first call on civilian clothes, but if this keeps up, they’ll have to turn their old uniforms over to the threadbare civilians. If this happens, I suppose some husbands will start sewing on service stripes for every year they’re been married.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 6, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, it seems that Hermann Goering never believed in Nazi doctrines – according to Hermann Goering. This is sort of like a bank robber telling the police who caught him outside the Farmers’ Trust Building with $50,000 and a machine gun, that, in his opinion, robbery is illegal.
Hermann claims that he didn’t agree with Hitler, but there’s one reason why I doubt that. If you want to know what his name is, he can still tell you that it’s Hermann Goering. If you want to know the name of anybody who really disagreed with Hitler, you have to read it on a tombstone.
The only thing he’s said that I’m willing to believe is that he always observed Christmas customs. Goodness, you can look at his shape and be sure that he didn’t hold back when the roast goose and plum pudding were being passed.
The Boston Globe (December 7, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, a Michigan congressman made a statement telling the people how to live as cheaply today as they did before the war. This is surprising because Congress is the last place you’d expect an economy lesson to come from.
He said his motto is, if it costs more than it did before the war don’t buy it. And he added that the one thing that cracked his budget was having to buy a pair of shoes. He probably wore out his old ones looking for the things that don’t cost more than they did before the war.
He also claimed that he washed his own socks and underwear and if that qualifies a man for office, George should run. He’s already on our house committee in that department and does such a fine job that I even trust him with my last pair of nylons.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 10, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that Peggy Joyce has taken a fifth husband and Tommy Manville an eighth wife. I guess it’s lucky for them that the OPA overlooked marriages when it was restricting things.
But goodness, girls, Miss Joyce should be a lesson to us. While we’ve been lamenting that there aren’t enough men to go around, she calmly comes up with her fifth. And I remember reading a while ago that girls wanting to get married were advised to go West. That’s fine advice when Mr. Manville is West.
Gracious, if he and Miss Joyce keep up their matrimonial pace, the time is bound to come when they’ll meet and marry each other. And that ceremony will probably be staged in the Rose Bowl.
The Boston Globe (December 11, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, the doctors who agreed that Rudolf Hess was suffering from loss of memory weren’t bothered a bit when Rudolf declared he’d been faking. They simply said his amnesia is of the selective type, and it looks like a convenient thing to have.
For, as near as I can figure, it means you remember what you want to remember and forget when you want to forget. A lot of women come down with it every year, when they remember it’s time for birthday presents, and forget their age.
And there seems to be a wave of selective amnesia among the merchant these days. They can recall what a wonderful customer you were before the war, but they have no memory of spurning you when you pleaded for just a sparerib or a banana.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 12, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I just read about a Chicagoan who wants his marriage terminated by the court because he says his wife told him she was 46 years old and he just found out she’s really 75.
Personally, I think a woman is entitled to figure her age any way she likes. My sister Bessie has a marvelous system. She just adopted February 29 as her birthday and now she grows one year older every four years. According to Bessie, she married when she was four-and-a-half.
My goodness, if the Chicago lady did hide 29 years of her age from her husband, he deserved to have it happen. Men are always taking their girls to theater balconies, moonlit terraces, dark country roads and other places where the light is bad. It’s about time one of them learned his lesson.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 13, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – My goodness, you begin to realize what the housing shortage had finally come to when you read about the troubles of the Zuni Indians in New Mexico.
They were expecting six of their gods to visit them for their New Year festival but they had to postpone the ceremony a week when, because of material and labor shortages, they couldn’t get accommodations ready in time. Goodness knows, you have to be more than mortal to find a place to live these days, but now it turns out that even gods have to go on the waiting list.
Still, those New Mexico Indians should be a lot better off than most people because, if I remember my lessons, they use a lot of cliff dwellings. But I guess the ceilings on these are probably ‘way up in the sky.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 14, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Goodness, the site for the United Nations Organization world capital has developed into a big political issue. Britain wants it in Europe, where it will be handy. But both China and Russia think it should be in the United States, where orange juice is only 10 cents a glass and the plumbing is better.
The United States isn’t taking sides. I have an idea that a lot of us take one look at what goes on in Washington and wonder if we could stand another capital.
But I think we owe it to the rest of the world to have that capital here. So I propose San Francisco, where I was born, for the summer capital, and Los Angeles, where I live, for the winter capital. That is, if it’s all right with Texas.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 17, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – A few days ago, I read that Gov. Green of Illinois told the Republicans they’d better do something if they ever wanted to have a president in the family again, and now Mr. Hannegan of the Democrats accuses the Republicans of bringing out a fake platform at Chicago.
My goodness, a political campaign seems to have sprung up right in the middle of the Christmas season – which is like a store running a special on rayon stockings during a big nylon sale. Who’s going to pay any attention?
Personally, I don’t think there’s a Republican or a Democrat in the whole country who’d have a chance against Santa Claus right now. Especially if the old boy ran on his usual platform: “You hang ‘em; I’ll fill ‘em.”
The Pittsburgh Press (December 18, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, here’s good news! The Army is playing Santa Claus and releasing tons of its surplus materials for civilian use.
There’s a half-million yards of linings for clothes, so all we’ll have to do is find the clothes to put the linings in. There’s a quarter of a million telephone headsets, if you can get a telephone to attach then to. There are 82,000 flashlights, too. Now, if I could only find some nylons to shine them on…
Of course, we civilians may have some adjustments in our lives to make use of some Army material. There are a million and a half pairs of ski socks and I’m going to get some for George even if he has to take ski lessons to wear them.
And, oh goody! The Army’s getting rid of more than a thousand bridges! I’ve always wanted a nice bridge.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 19, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I just wrote my annual letter to Santa Claus and you all might as well have a look at it.
“Dear Santa: The children want an atom smasher, but I’m afraid it would take up too much room. Just bring them the usual assortment of toys which they’ll smash to atoms by New Year’s.
“George wants some warm underwear which will fit snugly across the hips. I’m not sure of the exact size, so just make them all wool and a yard wide.
“As for myself, I could be a pig and ask for a dozen pairs of nylons, but I’ll be reasonable and only ask for one pair, wrapped in lots and lots of tissue paper.
“P.S. – I understand there’s a shortage of tissue paper, so wrap them in. lots and lots of other nylons instead.”
The Pittsburgh Press (December 20, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I certainly wish countries would stop changing their names. The other day I was reading something about Iran and it took me the longest time to remember that it used to be Persia. In fact, I didn’t remember until the children came home from school and told me.
The most puzzling thing about these name changes is that they’re not consistent. Persian melons haven’t become Iranian melons and orchestras never play a tune called, “In an Iranian Market.” Also, Siam changes its name to Thailand, but Barnum and Bailey don’t advertise Thailandish twins and there don’t seem to be any Thailandish Kittens.
If this sort of thing isn’t stopped, I’m afraid I’ll wake up some morning and find that Los Angeles has changed the name of the entire United States to Los Angeles. We’re already creeping up on Nevada!
The Pittsburgh Press (December 21, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, a British court has really thrown a bombshell. It ruled that a man has the right to put his wife’s parents out of his house even though she invited them to stay there. Then, not satisfied with spoiling the point of a million mother-in-law jokes, it said he has the right to put his wife out, too. And we call the English conservative!
I’m glad Lend-Lease is ended because it would be awful if England gave us that law in exchange for something. For generations American wives have been threatening to go home to mother. Think how upsetting it would be if American husbands could threaten to send them home with mother.
George thinks the whole thing makes a monkey out of history. We’d have that law here if we were still part of England, yet when we broke off it was called the “Declaration of Independence,” he says.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 24, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, George and I have received quite a stack of Christmas mail and have loved every bit except one thing. The Internal Revenue Department sent us an income-tax blank. Somehow it wasn’t in keeping with the spirit of the season.
Naturally, at this time of the year you like to give to those you love, but there’s nobody in the revenue business that I even know by name. From the tone of their message, I think they expect a little more than a potted plant or a nice embroidered handkerchief.
If they had to send out their blanks now, they might at least have tried to give them a Christmasy look. Like a picture of Uncle Sam with a club in his hand waiting for Santa Claus to come down the chimney.
The Evening Star (December 25, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see there was a big Christmas party at Buckingham Palace and the King and Queen of England danced with their butlers and cooks. The servant problem must be even worse over there, because we haven’t had to dance with ours yet to make them stay.
Of course, I’ll admit we’ve made a few concessions. Our cooks adores Charles Boyer and George takes her to see every one of his pictures. I really don’t mind because I keep hoping that some of that Boyer technique will rub off on him.
But dancing with her wouldn’t work at all. George is the only man I know who waltzes when an orchestra plays “Chickery Chick,” and he’s a little awkward, too. If he danced with our cook, I’d have to take charge of the kitchen. She wouldn’t be able to walk for a week.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 26, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – My goodness, but it’s a comfort to know we still have families like the Trumans. Mr. Truman’s 93-year-old mother sat for her portrait so he could have it for a Christmas present, and she sent him a message with it telling him to behave himself.
Mr. Truman said she’d been telling hm that for 60 years; and it must have done him good, because now he’s the President of the United States. But you’ll notice she still keeps telling him to behave. Only now she’s been joined by the whole Republican Party.
Sometimes, I must admit, mother’s advice isn’t 100 percent correct. For instance, I’ve always been glad I married George. There’s always, of course, the exception that makes the rule work.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 27, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – A lady fashion designer in New York says you can’t have the figure of a pin-up girl and still be a best-dressed woman. Oh, I don’t know! And there are probably others besides me, too.
This designer says pin-up girls have a lot of curves – some of them darn near U-turns – and for a woman to be well-dressed, she should have a figure like a bean pole with no hips and a long neck.
I think what’s happened is this designer has found out at last how to make all us women happy. If we have gorgeous figures, we can say we’re the pin-up type. If we’re built like an old pogo stick, we just announce that we’re the well-dressed kind. From now on there just aren’t any unattractive women.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 28, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, January 1 won’t catch me unprepared. My list is all ready:
To be sweet and kind and considerate at all times.
Not to spend money foolishly or engage in silly extravagances.
Never to lose any temper and to be sympathetic and understanding, no matter what the circumstances.
To be more thoughtful of others, especially the delightful person to whom I’m married.
To devote more time to cooking, sewing and other housework, and less to my own pleasure.
To allow my mother-in-law to visit us at any time and for as long as she wishes without any complaint from me. Yes, that’s my list of New Year’s resolutions and George had better not break one of them!