Gracie Allen Reporting!

The Pittsburgh Press (November 5, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – I see where the British have formed an organization to keep mothers-in-law from meddling in marriages… It staggers along under the title of “The Society for the Suppression of Family Interference,” and the English fondly hope it will halt the high divorce rate due to mother-in-law trouble.

Personally, to me the mother-in-law situation seems a difficult one to get rid of. I suppose they could pass a law allowing only men and women who never had mothers to get married, but it doesn’t seem very practical.

And suppose they do outlaw the poor mothers-in-law in Great Britain? What are they going to do with them all – ship them over here on reverse Lend-Lease? If they do, George promises to send our boll weevil back on the very next boat.

The Boston Globe (November 6, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

I see where Adolf Hitler, as head of the German government, never paid any income taxes. He said they annoyed him. Well, that proves at least that Hitler couldn’t have been crazy, like a lot of people claimed. If he never filled out an income tax form, what could there have been to make him lose his mind?

George says income taxes annoy him, too, but I pointed out to him tha the only way he can avoid them is to become a dictator. Of course, he is a dictator already, but only in our home, where whatever he says immediately becomes law. That is unless I happen to feel like vetoing it.

But I’ll say one thing for Hitler. He may have paid no income taxes but the German people certainly got a lot more income become because of him. First, in come the Flying Fortresses, then in come the Liberators, and finally, in come the Russians.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 7, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Well, all those souvenir-hunting civilians who visited the battleship Missouri have something to brag about. They can honestly say they did more damage to the ship than the whole Japanese navy and air force.

These souvenir-hunters even tried to carry away the plaque that marked the scene of the Japanese surrender, and if they’d been aboard at the time they probably would have carried off the Japanese signers. I can imagine how bare the ship finally looked. I’ve seen what just a small group of bobby-sockers can do to Van Johnson.

George says he wishes he might have been there to get one of the big guns to mount on our front porch in case my mother decided to pay us a visit. I think it’s sweet of him to want to give mother a regular Navy salute.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 8, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Those busybody scientists aren’t satisfied with their old atom bomb, but now I see where a Senate committee has been examining a whole new list of 839 inventions, including dresses made out of glass and metal.

I’m not sure glass dresses are a good idea. What do we do now, wear venetian blinds instead of slips? and metal dresses – can you imagine a wife calling in her husband and saying: “Everett, would you mind riveting me up the back?”

I think the most fascinating new invention is a special mechanical cow that will turn out milk and cream just by inserting water, skimmed milk and butter. Now if someone can invent another mechanical cow that will turn out skimmed milk and butter simply by inserting milk and cream, we can kiss real cows goodbye.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 9, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – I think we ought to recognize courage when we see it, no matter by whom it is displayed. And the bravest man in the whole world is undoubtedly a certain elderly German carpenter. He actually wrote Adolf Hitler a letter and asked the Fuehrer what his intentions were concerning his daughter, Eva Braun.

Mr. Braun never got an answer. He thinks Hitler never received the letter. It’s quite possible he didn’t, if Mr. Braun is still around to tell the story in person. Still, I notice Hitler finally did become his son-in-law, even if it was for only about 20 minutes.

It seems to me that 1945 was a little late for any German to ask Hitler what his intentions were. If someone had thought of that in 1933, most Germans would be sleeping a lot better now. At least the moon wouldn’t be shining in their faces all night though where the roofs used to be.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 12, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – One thing about this post-war world, it’s getting so I’m afraid to pick up a paper to find out what’s new. Now they’ve found a way to develop rats of any color by putting chemicals in the food of white rats.

Can you imagine how some poor fellow who’s had a few too many is going to feel if he happens to bump into a fuchsia rat with lime polka dots?

My goodness! With a little encouragement, they’re likely to start feeding those chemicals to people. When you buy food at a market, you’ll have to worry not only about how nourishing it is but whether it may turn your face a color that clashes with your new fall outfit.

Still, if we stayed the same shade with stuff we were eating under food rationing, I guess we’re all color fast.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 13, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – I see Winston Churchill is against the idea of government by scientists unless they get themselves elected like everybody else.

Personally, I don’t think scientists have a chance of being elected because they’d never stand for the good old campaign methods. No true scientist would do anything so unsanitary as to go around kissing babies, and instead of cigars, they’d undoubtedly pass out penicillin.

A few scientists in Congress might accomplish something at that, though. Maybe they’d invest some sort of device that could be attached to all congressmen’s mouths as they make a speech. The hot air collected that way would probably heat a city the size of Toledo for an entire winter.

An electric stamper for stamping ballots in voting booths might be an early innovation, too. That sounds a little frightening. though. I’m used to the old-fashioned rubber stamp, both in the booth and in office.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 14, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Well, some big brave psychology professor has declared war on Santa Claus. He says instead of teaching our children about Santa, we should instruct them in the ways of democracy.

Goodness, I’m not particularly enthusiastic about a congressional committee coming down the chimney, if that’s what he means. Although maybe that idea isn’t too far off.

There’s nothing wrong with Santa’s democracy. He stops at every house. Not just the ones with the biggest chimneys. And he brings happiness to folks in every walk of life.

Does this psychologist really think we’d have been a stronger nation if Santa Claus had been blacklisted years ago? Why, I’ll bet little Harry Truman used to lie awake listening for the reindeer’s hoofbeats. And little Ike Eisenhower, back in Kansas, used to hear Santa’s laugh on Christmas Eve. Believe me, democracy didn’t suffer any because they believed in Santa Claus.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 15, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Well, now that the war is over, men on both sides are discarding their uniforms and stepping out in new clothes. Ex-privates are wearing pin stripes; ex-sergeants are wearing tweeds, and Emperor Hirohito is wearing a robe embroidered with chrysanthemums which even an ex-second lieutenant wouldn’t be caught in.

According to reports, the emperor is going to have this nifty little outfit on when he reports the end of the war to the sun goddess, who apparently doesn’t read the newspapers. And he’ll be tactful enough to leave his sword home, where he should have left it in December 1941.

If the goddess knows her business, she’ll advise him to stop playing soldier and to keep on wearing flowers as long as he lives. Goodness knows, as things turned out, enough of his people got flowers when it was too late to appreciate them.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 16, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – My goodness, I’d certainly just as soon not think about the atom bomb for a little while, but it keeps bouncing out of the papers at you. Now a senator is alarmed by the prospects of atom-bomb tests in the ocean killing all the fish. Cracked crab is a grand dish, says the senator, but let’s not crack them all at once.

Weil, I think it’s sweet of him to worry about the fish. But I’m a little more concerned about what the bombs will do to life on land. I really know very few fish intimately. But some of my best friends are human beings.

Just think, if we’d had the atom bomb before our last war, all the fish might have been killed off in tests. Then what would have been left for our wartime menus? And even if we’d had something to eat, who’d have been around to eat it?

The Pittsburgh Press (November 19, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

The G.I.’s who made the trip home with our great Gen. Dwight Eisenhower reported that he spent on all his free moments reading western stories.

I can just imagine Gen. Ike getting goosepimples reading about 10 or 12 desperate cattle rustlers, armed with revolvers, sneaking up on a herd of Holsteins!

What excitement after the tame job of commanding 10 million men who have only machine guns, howitzers, siege guns and flame throwers to shoot off, and who fly about in jet-propelled airplanes.

And I’ll bet, like most men, he wished he were the handsome hero with a horse, a pair of six-shooters and woolly pants, because when Oklahoma Tex and his men have routed the rustlers, and the lovely schoolmarm is safely in Tex’s arms, everybody lives happily ever after.

But when the General’s boys get through shooting, the trouble is just starting.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 20, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – I was reading George an item in the paper the other night about a horse that ran away in Brooklyn. George said he didn’t believe the story because anything in Brooklyn that could run or even walk would have been signed up by the Dodgers long ago.

It seems a taxi driver chased that horse for blocks and at last cornered it with his cab. Brooklyn had finally brought the horse-and-buggy days face to face with the machine age and Dobbin finished a bad second.

Goodness, progress is very upsetting! In a few years that gasoline engine taxi will be cornered, too – probably by a sleek, streamlined affair powered by atomic energy. I wouldn’t be surprised if a robot was behind the wheel either, and maybe even a female robot in the back seat yelling directions at him.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 21, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

That Boston tomcat whose owner died last year and left him $40,000 didn’t live long to enjoy the money.

He passed on a few days ago and I wouldn’t be a bit surprised the inheritance was to blame. You can buy an awful lot of catnip for $40,000 and he probably went on a tomcat’s version of “the lost weekend.”

Nobody knows what will happen to the money now, for he was a careless sort of cat and didn’t leave a will. If they try to locate all his sons and daughters and divide it up among them it won’t be easy because tomcats – even those which aren’t wealthy – have so many sons and daughters!

Anyhow, I’m being extra nice to the stray cat which wandered into our house last week. It might turn out to be an heir.

The Boston Globe (November 22, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Well, this is our first peacetime Thanksgiving in four years and we certainly have a lot to be thankful for. In the first place the war is over. (Although a few pieces of it seem to have been left around.)

And the boys are coming home. (Provided Santa Claus brings them enough points and their folks can rent a home for them to come to.)

And we’re promised Nylons for Christmas. (Although it’s not definite which Christmas it will be.) And we can thank the OPA for setting the prices of new cars. (Even if the cars aren’t ready yet.)

And turkeys are almost as plentiful this year as cranberries are scarce. Our neighborhood grocer’s back is aching again because when good customers come in, he has to bend down and get cranberries from the same place under the counter where he used to hide cigarettes.

The Boston Globe (November 23, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Because an atom bomb dropped on a city could do more damage than an old-fashioned American Legion convention, some architects think we should tear down our cities and rebuild them in the country where they wouldn’t make such fine targets.

That might be a nice job for Mr. Henry Kaiser, but it has its drawbacks, too. I’d hate to go shopping and learn that my favorite hat store had been moved to a field ten miles south of Keokuk. And imagine the look on the face of some Iowa farmer who would go out of his silo and find that it was now the Empire State Building.

It would be much simpler if all the nations agreed to tear down their atomic bombs and rebuild them into waffle irons or washing machines, but I guess that’s too sensible. After all, it’s a man’s world.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 26, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Well, a British court has fined a woman $40 for chasing a man. If that sets a legal precedent, a lot of girls will have to put aside a little extra pin money. All of us just aren’t clever enough to make the man think he did all the chasing.

This particular Englishwoman had a sort of unusual technique. She jumped out at the gentleman of her choice from behind gooseberry bushes! George says he’s glad I spared his nerves and picked him off right out in the open. If I do say it myself, it’s more sporting that way.

Fortunately, in America, I believe, such a fine is unconstitutional. We’re guaranteed life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and the pursuit of a man is the same thing as happiness. Anyhow, we think so while we’re after him.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 27, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Well, if the folks who make the autos don’t get together pretty soon, we’re apt to turn into a nation of pedestrians. The poor old cars that saw us through the war are afflicted with everything from hardening of the sparkplugs to housemaid’s-knee action.

Imagine what will happen when the old ones collapse and there aren’t any new ones! Dignified businessmen will go whizzing to work in their children’s kiddy kars and wolves won’t be able to attract girls by whistling at them because they’ll need all their breath to pedal their bicycles.

A man I know who runs a filling station is already planning to tear down his gasoline pumps and put in a bin of oats for horses. At that, horses would be practical. You get a new model free every time they have a colt, and I’ve never heard of an auto that had an Austin.

The Miami News (November 28, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Well, rationing certainly went out quietly, I had expected there would be a V-R Day to celebrate, with parades of victorious housewives, butchers, and grocery clerks, while the crowds cheered and showered down red points and torn ration books from every shadow.

What a relief not to need points anymore! Now when you call your marketplace and order the clerk will no longer say “Sorry, but we can’t deliver that because you haven’t enough points.” He’ll just say, “Sorry, but we can’t deliver that because we’re sold out.” Progress, huh?

Yes, to purchase food now, all you need is a thing called money, which was very popular before the war. I just can’t wait for my new book to arrive from the government.

The Pittsburgh Press (November 29, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Well, my goodness! Yesterday, I decided to do my Christmas shopping early in comfort to avoid the crowds. Believe me, next year I’m going to do my shopping late and avoid the comfort. I’ve ever been so mauled and shoved in my life.

One little old lady said to me, “isn’t this thrilling? Four years of wartime Christmases and now at last a Christmas of peace.” I never got a chance to answer, because just then a mob descended on the poor old dear and swept her up on the notions counter, where she was very nearly sold for $1.39.

And a little soldier boy was very bitter because he couldn’t get to the stocking counter to buy his mother her Christmas present. “How do you expect me to get through those women?” he asked me. “I’ve only had eight weeks of basic training!”

The Pittsburgh Press (November 30, 1945)

Gracie Allen Reporting

By Gracie Allen

HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that men are going in for perfumes in a big way now. At first they wanted thoroughly masculine odors, like tweed, or something woodsy, but now they’re interested in more subtle scents.

According to the advertisements, women’s perfumes are supposed to make the girls irresistible to men. What’s going to happen now that the men will also be irresistible to the girls? Everyone will go around with no resistance whatever and smelling simply divine.

And can you imagine the explosion when a man smelling of “triple threat” meets a girl wearing “Home Wrecker No. 5?” Why, they’ll both immediately throw their heads back, point their ears at the moon and bay for dear life.

Gracious, the atom bomb should be nothing compared to the atomizer.