The Pittsburgh Press (September 19, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Well now I’ve heard everything: Some expert has figured out that President Roosevelt and Governor Dewey are related. No fooling.
He has traced their families back to common ancestors – Richard Lyman of Northampton, Massachusetts, and his wife, Hepzibah Ford Lyman, who came to this country in 1630. This makes Mr. Roosevelt and Mr. Dewey seventh cousins once removed.
My goodness, Mr. Roosevelt doesn’t want Mr. Dewey to come and live in the White House as it is, without making him a relative to boot.
I can just imagine a scene that might take place at the White House.
The phone rings and Eleanor answers it. Then she says: “Oh, Franklin, it’s that Republican cousin of yours from New York. He wants to come and stay four years.” …you take it from there.
Well, anyway, for once it won’t be the wife’s relatives who cause all the trouble.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 20, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
First it was Bing Crosby… Now they’ve got Dinah Shore singing to the Germans in their native tongue to lull them into surrender. It begins to look like the tonsil is mightier than the sword.
And we haven’t even turned Sinatra loose on them yet!
Imagine what might happen if Frankie, like some modern Pied Piper, started to work on those Rhine maidens. I can just see Frau Goering sitting in front of the radio in bobby socks as Der Frankie croons: “Ich bin nicht much to look at – nein schön to see.”
She squeals and says, “Ach, Hermann, stop the shooting! I want to hear Frankie! Ich liebe dot boy!”
To which Hermann replies: “Stop the shooting? But what about Der Fuehrer?”
And she says: “All right – one more shot, but be sure you hit him.”
I don’t know, Gen. Eisenhower, it might be worth a thought.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 21, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
This is National Dog Week and we are asked not to leave a single doghouse unoccupied. Well, I’m doing my share. But I’ll bet my husband will be glad when the week is over and he can come out. But our dog likes it – he’s sleeping on George’s bed.
I have been reading about Hitler’s special submarine in which he plans to escape when Germany surrenders. It is said to be equipped with special heating devices for the cold depths of the sea. Believe me, where Hitler is going he won’t need any heating devices.
Governor Thomas E. Dewey arrives in Los Angeles today on his campaign tour. I’m sure you will be anxious to know what kind of impression he makes on Hollywood’s beautiful glamor girls, so I’ll let you know later how he impresses us.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 22, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Governor Thomas E. Dewey arrived here in Los Angeles this morning from San Francisco, and today is officially “Dewey Day.” I never thought I’d live to see the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce admit they were having a “Dewey Day” …but I guess as long as they can show that it moved in from San Francisco it’s okay.
Being a newspaperwoman, I was invited to see Mr. Dewey and being a married woman, I immediately compared him to my husband. I always compared great men to George. Sometimes I wonder if that isn’t what makes them seem so great.
But anyway, I’d say that George Burns and Governor Dewey have a surprising lot in common. Mr. Dewey is brilliant, famous, good-looking, well-built, young, and I understand he has a good singing voice. Well… George sings too.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 25, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
There’s been so much fighting in Hollywood lately that I understand the newspapers are thinking of withdrawing their ace war reporters from Europe and sending them here.
Governor Dewey, who was in town over the weekend, was invited to a Hollywood party, but declined. I guess he figured he could see the same thing at Madison Square Garden done by professionals.
Mr. Dewey was presented at the Los Angeles Coliseum Friday night in a colorful program under the direction of Cecil B. DeMille. I can admit now that I was a little worried until I saw Mr. Dewey walk out fully attired. Mr. DeMille had promised something spectacular – and you know him and his bathtubs.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 26, 1944)
Hollywood, California –
There’s been so much talk about the post-war inventions we’re going to enjoy that I’ve written a little poem about them called, “A Day in Post-War America.” Here it is:
The plastic alarm in its plastic shell
Gently tinkles its plastic bell;
And in plastic rooms we papas and mamas
Leap out of bed in our plastic pajamas.
The television set by the plastic tub,
Shows us what’s going on as we scrub.
A twist of the dial and there big as life
Is young Dr. Malone with John’s other wife.
As usual the husband is late for the mill
So you fix him his juice and vitamin pill,
Get a goodbye kiss as he gulps the emulsion,
Then he leaves for the office by jet propulsion.
And then while we simply relax ecstatically
Gadgets do all of our work automatically.
Yes, there’ll be great inventions and we’d like to try ‘em
If some gent will invent the money to buy ‘em.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 27, 1944)
Hollywood, California –
I see where Hitler has decreed no more sweets and practically no beer for the German people. This will make figures like Goering’s very rare.
I guess Hitler heard the same thing we’ve been hearing – that Germany is going to “pot.”
Apparently, the Nazis still look to Hitler to save them, but it seems to me he’s the wrong man to help them now. After what our fliers have done to Berlin they need a bricklayer – not a paperhanger.
Incidentally, I’ll bet it makes the Germans very unhappy to hear that Marlene Dietrich, who was born in Germany, is now in Europe entertaining the Allied soldiers. She’d certainly be out on a limb if the Germans caught her. But I can’t imagine a prettier limb to be out on than Marlene’s.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 28, 1944)
Hollywood, California –
The World Series situation has the men in our neighborhood all excited, but it has me all confused. George refuses to discuss it with me – he says I don’t understand baseball. Would his face be red if he knew my brother used to be a quarterback!
But anyway, there must be millions of you wives in the same fix, so I’ve figured this thing out by reading the newspapers and I’ll explain it to you.
It seems that the Browns of St. Louis – and there must be thousands of them in a city of that size – have a baseball team, and they are practically tied with the Detroit team for the lead. And the newspaper headline says: “The Winning Team Will Play Cards.” Well, that doesn’t make sense at all. You’d think the losing team would play cards and the winning team would play baseball.
That’s all I’ve figured out up to now, but I’ll have more information about it later.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 29, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Well, it seems I got a little mixed up yesterday in explaining the World Series baseball race. In the first place, the St. Louis Browns are not really named Brown at all; they have all sorts of names.
Some of the names they are called when they win in Detroit cannot be printed. In the second place, when they refer to the winning American League team “playing the Cards” they don’t mean gin rummy or poker.
The Cards are another baseball team, called the Cardinals. Where they get those names, I’ll never know.
There’s even a bunch in Brooklyn called the Dodgers. They must have a very lax Draft Board there.
Anyway, you can’t blame me for getting mixed up when full-grown baseball players go around calling themselves names like Cardinals, Dodgers, Giants and Tigers. I prefer professional football. Those teams have names like Cardinals, Dodgers, Giants – well, let it go.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 2, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
I’d like to have been at the White House the other day when Frank Sinatra had tea with President Roosevelt. They say Frankie really was proud.
Well, it isn’t everyone who can have tea with the President, and you can’t blame Frankie for wanting to throw out his chest. I’ll bet he never missed having one as much as he did that day.
I understand “The Voice” told the President how he makes the girls swoon. Of course, Mr. Roosevelt has a pretty exciting voice himself. At least the Republicans seem to get awfully excited when they hear his speeches.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 3, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
This isn’t a movie column, but I’ve gotten so many letters asking for inside information about the movie and radio stars that I’ll answer a few today.
To D. Q. of Miami, Florida: No, that’s just radio talk. In real life Eddie Cantor doesn’t try to get his daughters married. But if you’re interested, wire Eddie collect and he’ll charter a plane and bring them to Miami.
To the Marines who asked, “Is Betty Grable’s figure on the level?” The answer is “no.” …It’s anything but level. And not only is Betty beautiful but she’s a wonderful cook. You ought to hear the soldiers whistle when she walks in with a tray of sandwiches.
To Mrs. R. J. of Chicago: Yes, Jack Benny has a full head of hair. I had occasion to study it closely for quite some time. Jack left it in his dressing room.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 4, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
It’s wonderful how the World Series baseball games are being broadcast to our fighting men everywhere – on South Sea Islands, in Alaska, on ships at sea. Even in tanks and planes they’re listening – and loving it.
And the Germans no doubt are listening too, but I’ll bet they’re pretty confused. I can imagine a scene something like this:
GERMAN SPY: Herr General, our fifth column has captured half of Amerika. The Amerikan radio announcer admits that the Yanks of New York were defeated, Detroit was blasted, and now a great battle rages in St. Louis. And, Herr General, they did it all with baseball bats!
GERMAN GENERAL: We’ve been using the wrong weapons. Tell our soldiers to throw away their guns. For now on it’s bats to fight the Amerikans.
GERMAN SPY: Ya, that’s what I say – it’s crazy.
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The Pittsburgh Press (October 5, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
I feel so sorry for the people standing in line to buy cigarettes. I guess I’m pretty lucky that I don’t smoke. All I have to do is stand in line for George’s cigarettes.
Anyway, we shouldn’t complain. It’s only right that our men in uniform get cigarettes first. They’re under a terrific nervous strain. When a soldier is thinking of his loved ones he naturally smokes a lot. I’ll bet Mickey Rooney has gone through a couple of cartons this week.
P.S. Here’s a red-hot tip on the World Series. I found out who’s going to win. Personally, I don’t believe in gambling, but those of you who are so inclined can clean up on this tip. Here it is: Bet everything you’ve got on St. Louis.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 6, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Well, that tip I gave you on the World Series was right. St. Louis is winning every game.
Now I’ve decided to figure out other winners for you. So far, I’m not doing so well. I went out and took a poll on a street corner yesterday morning. Ten people wanted Roosevelt, 10 wanted Dewey and 52 wanted butter.
Lots of people have written in asking me what man I’m going to support in November. Well, it’ll be the same man I’ve always supported – the man I’m married to, George Burns.
Of course, I don’t really support George. He works hard and brings him more bacon than I do. we have a lady butcher and it’s easier for him to get it.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 9, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
The biggest mystery of this war to me is the Jap admirals. First, they lose face, and now the rest of their bodies seem to be disappearing. Almost every day a report comes that five or six or 10 more Jap admirals have been killed in action.
For goodness’ sake, who’s killing them? The American Navy can’t even find them, let alone fight them.
I’ll bet the same question puzzles Hirohito when the head of his navy reports:
Oh, Illustrious Emperor, we have won another retreat victory. The American Navy lies at the bottom of the ocean. Their guns did not even touch our ships.
To which Hirohito replied: “Then keep an eye on those sharks, because somebody is knocking off all my top men.”
The Pittsburgh Press (October 10, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Did you read abut the man who left his 12-month-old baby in a lower berth while he got off the train in Kansas City? When he came back, the train and baby were on their way to Chicago. Everyone says: “How could a man do a thing like that?” That’s what I want to know – how did he get that lower berth?
Have you tried taking he train lately? Last week, George and I asked the ticket seller if we could get space to San Francisco. He said., “Yes, if you can shovel coal.”
But we didn’t have to shovel coal. Goerge finally got a seat and I sat on his lap. Well, not directly on his lap… first came George – then a soldier – then a sailor – then me.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 11, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Have you seen the latest product of the cigarette shortage – the pipe-smoking girl?
It seems that college coeds started the fad when cigarettes first became scarce and now even the movie actresses here in Hollywood are taking up the pipe. Think what this could do to the movies!
Somehow, I just can’t picture Paul Henreid putting two pipes in his mouth, lighting them and giving one to Bette Davis, as he did with cigarettes in Now, Voyager.
And Ginger Rogers might not have had a career at all. You’ll remember Ginger made her hit as a seductive siren in Young Man of Manhattan with the tagline, “Cigarette me, big boy.” How seductive could she have been, saying, “Corncob pipe me, big boy.”
The Pittsburgh Press (October 12, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
It’s politics, that’s what it is. Here I’ve been waiting around for two months to get one single solitary plumber, and now I read there’s a whole army of plumbers, painters and plasterers cleaning up the buildings of Congress during the present recess.
Goodness, I know Governor Dewey has asked for a housecleaning in Washington, but I didn’t think the Democrats would pay any attention to him.
I understand the favorite pastime of the cleaning men is to sit in the empty chairs of Congress and pretend they’re Senators and Representatives. They even make up laws and “pass” them.
Hey, if we can keep Congress adjourned long enough, we may get some great laws.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 13, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
I’m beginning to think the best thing to do with the war criminals is to put them into some of these post-war kitchens I’ve seen on exhibition. Goodness, they’re frightening!
Everything either pulls out, slides under, or tucks between. From the looks of the gadgets, it would be easier to fly a B-29 over Tokyo than to make George a cup of coffee.
One thing, though, you’d never be bothered with ants. The home planner told me an ant would never enter a kitchen like that. Neither would a cook, I’m afraid.
The last post-war kitchen I saw was painted in shades of orange. The color psychologist told me orange was soothing to the nerves. I can imagine what my Irish cook would say if I asked her to work in a kitchen painted in orange!
The Pittsburgh Press (October 16, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Well, so far as gentlemanliness and good taste is concerned, I should like to call your attention to the political campaign between Fala, the President’s Scottie, and Canute, the Great Dane belonging to Mr. Dewey.
In spite of the fact that the title for first dog of the country is at stake, both of them have scorned to play politics. Just think how many votes they could get by such cheap devices as, say, kissing puppies, or promising other dogs a bone in every pot.
In fact, being dumb animals, they’ve pulled a couple of political boners. I understand that Fala almost bit Truman, and Canute once growled at Bricker.
So far, there is no indication from Hollywood just which way Lassie is going to throw his support.