The Pittsburgh Press (September 10, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, our fellows have picked up another Japanese girl who used to work on the radio as Tokyo Rose. I suppose the Japs kept a few spares around in case one of them got blown up while she was advising our soldiers to quit because they didn’t have a chance. My goodness! I hope this country never goes in for plural radio performers. If we had three Mr. Anthonys, we’d all have to pitch in and suffer in our spare time.
Another Axis celebrity in the so-called entertainment world landed in jail when the British arrested Max Schmeling, the former boxer, in Germany. George says they shouldn’t bother to try him – just send him over here and turn him over to Joe Louis.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 11, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, you notice it didn’t take Los Angeles long to get back into the old tourist game. Now we can advertise a mountain lion hunt within our famous city limits. This mountain lion, according to an eyewitness, killed a deer that was drinking from a pool near Sunset Boulevard.
The story confuses me because it said the lion jumped on the deer from a bank. I don’t know what it was doing in the bank unless it was hired to bite people who overdraw their accounts. Goodness, if the banks are doing that, I’ll have to take lessons from a lion tamer.
Anyhow, that’s more proof I’ve had recently that California hasn’t lost its wild and woolly pioneer flavor. A girl friend of mine was telling me last week a wolf jumped at her in front of a drug store.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 12, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Goodness knows I’ve heard enough lately about post-war inventions and problems but I didn’t expect any post-war cattle rustling. George says it’s probably because of the beef shortage, and he explained cattle rustling meant stealing cows. I guess they call it rustling because the thieves make a rustling noise like a bale of hay and the hungry cattle follow them.
It seems to me a cow is a very unhandy thing to steal. You can always bury stolen money in the backyard, but if you tried that with a cow, the board of health wouldn’t like it. And I’m sure the cow wouldn’t either.
I offered to buy George a sheriff’s outfit, cowboy style, so he could call himself Creep-along Burns and go after the rustlers. He said it was beneath his dignity to notice that kind of a remark.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 13, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see in a dispatch from Washington that the OPA has finally got around to putting a ceiling on hula girls. With winter coming along, they certainly need something on them, but I don’t think a ceiling will cover the right territory.
Anyway, according to the OPA specifications, when you have your picture taken in Hawaii now, it will cost only 50 cents if you’re alone, but it will cost an extra quarter if a hula girl poses with you. It’s easy to see that 25 cents goes a lot farther in Hawaii.
George says that with hula girl photos, it’s not the original cost anyhow – it’s the upkeep. If your wife or sweetheart should find it in your wallet, it will cost you a fortune in flowers and candy to make her believe you were simply an innocent tourist.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 14, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, it’s certainly nice to know that there’s one thing science can’t affect. It can blow up cities and make molehills out of mountains but it doesn’t impress the good old-fashioned horsefly. These scientists invented an insecticide called DDT that killed all kinds of bugs for miles around, but the horsefly just kept right on horseflying.
Mind you, I think science is wonderful and very scientific, but it scares me. A fellow invents something to pull tacks out of a carpet, which is fine. But it gets out of control and soon it’s pulling small towns out of Kansas.
That’s why it’s comforting to hear science has met its match. While other people are taking trips to the moon, when they really only wanted to go to Jersey City, I’ll stay home and feed DDT to the horseflies.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 17, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, that War Production Board has taken the control off men’s clothes first and I think it’s very unfair because I believe in equal rights. I think every woman has the equal right to be first.
Now men can get fancy pajamas and shirts with tails long enough to tuck in, while we’re still wearing our wartime skimpies. Not that I begrudge George a decent shirt tail. He’s been going around looking like Bing Crosby after a wrestling match and our laundryman once asked me why my husband had buttons on his handkerchiefs.
I can just picture those War Production Board fellows parading around in pajamas with extra frills, drunk with power. Don’t they realize the intimate garments of their own wives are so scanty that it’s been years since anybody said, “Your slip is showing?” Where is their chivalry?
And where is our lingerie?
The Pittsburgh Press (September 18, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see the Duke of Windsor says he would take a job if he were offered one and he thought he could do it well.
Well, that just shows you that being a king is pretty poor training for getting along in the business world. You notice the duke talks wistfully about being “offered a job.” I suppose it wouldn’t look well for a man of his social position to go out looking for a job or to read the want ads.
And Edward says he wants to be sure he could do the job well. This really isn’t the way to impress a prospective employer. The employer wants somebody simply bursting with confidence – at least it’s that way in Hollywood.
It’s too bad, but I guess about the only job for a king is being a king. And those openings are getting rarer and rarer.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 19, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that Will Hays is going to leave the Hays office and let somebody else take over the job of making the movies a pure, but still a paying, proposition. I must admit that during the time he was in charge of movie morals, I’ve never been shocked at a picture, although after sitting through a double feature, I have tingled a little.
I really think that Mr. Hays deserves a rest. It must have been quite a strain to stand there while some actor kisses Maria Montez, and do nothing but hold a watch to see that kiss didn’t last too long.
And imagine looking at Esther Williams in a bathing suit and having to decide if there’s too much Esther and not enough suit!
If the new man needs any help, I’d be glad to volunteer. I could gaze into Charles Boyer’s eyes to see if that sleepy look calls for censorship or just for a pair of glasses. And I wouldn’t charge for overtime.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 20, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – A beauty expert has advised women who had jobs in war plants to spruce themselves up if they want to work in offices. No more bandanas and baggy slacks. And no more lunchboxes full of those big he-man sandwiches. If they want to be secretaries and stenographers, they’ll have to become ladies again and eat normal things for lunch like banana splits with crushed strawberries.
I guess she’s right. But it won’t be easy for some of the girls to change. Slacks are so comfortable. And they don’t spoil your fun. Even when walking behind a girl who’s wearing them, men seem to have a sixth sense that tells them they’re not whistling at another man.
The jobs won’t seem as important, either. After a girl has stuck rivets in airplanes, she may feel pretty silly for a while sticking commas in a letter, or plugs in the wrong connections on a switchboard.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 21, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Those Japanese are getting terribly sensitive. Now they’re telling the women not to encourage American soldiers to whistle at them. I should think it would be a nice change after listening to American bombs whistling at them.
The Japanese girls are advised not to wear red or yellow because those colors excite men. But I don’t believe colors actually have much to do with it. Once George was very attentive even when I wore a long black raincoat. Now I could wear a dinner gown with red and yellow stripes and he’d still go to sleep right after the dessert.
I can’t imagine American boys getting interested in Japanese girls, anyhow. I know that in an opera a young officer fell in love with one named Butterfly. But since then, we’ve learned that the Japs are more like wasps and hornets.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 24, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
Well, I knew it would happen and it did. There’s a piece in the paper about two Detroit girls, roommates, who got into an argument over whether they should play Crosby or Sinatra records and one stabbed the other with an icepick.
The world is certainly changing. In the old days, women with icepicks fought over some man each of them wanted. Now, it’s over music, which may show we are on a higher intellectual level, but I doubt it.
Personally, I can sympathize with the Crosby backer. A Sinatra fan lives next door to us and she’s played “All, or Nothing at All” so many times that nothing at all is left.
I’m not taking sides, mind you, but I must admit only Crosby thought enough of the future of American music to become the father of a male quartet.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 25, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I can see why the rest of the world doesn’t understand Americans sometimes. In most other countries, if a stranger saw people milling in the streets and fighting with policemen, he’d figure they were trying to overthrow the government. In this country, that same crowd would only be trying to see Shirley Temple get married.
Goodness, I suppose it’s only natural for young people like Shirley to grow up. But it frightens me to think that in a few years I may have to resign my membership in the Girl Guides.
As a wife, Shirley faces one difficulty. She put away her dolls so recently that if she has a baby, she may try tilting it to make it say “mama.” Aside from that she should be the second happiest wife in the world. After all, I got George.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 26, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, there’s no end to the problems that mothers and fathers have. Now the Los Angeles City Council wants to pass a law to keep children from getting tattooed without the consent of their parents. It seems that the teenagers are crowding the tattoo parlors so much that it’s hardly worthwhile for a sailor to ask for shore leave.
It wouldn’t be so bad if the kids had useful things like arithmetic problems or famous dates of history tattooed on them, but they don’t. They go in for the regular designs. Now when it’s time for Willy’s bath, Mama has to tell him not to forget to wash behind his hula dancer.
Even if the law is passed and parents have to give their consent it won’t solve the problem. In a few months all the tots will be clamoring, “Daddy, can I get tattooed for Christmas?”
The Pittsburgh Press (September 27, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see the War Production Board positively refuses to make any rules governing the sale of nylon stockings when they appear in stores. That means it will be a case of stockings for the strong and let the plate glass window chips fall where they may. It’s silly, but I’m afraid it’s going to take a woman of about 190 pounds of bone and sinew to get to that counter first. Who would look at her legs anyway?
Personally, I’ve been training for this battle of the century and I mean to get a pair. I’ll have a well-turned leg even if it means a badly turned ankle.
It’s too bad that while the United Nations are trying to do away with force in world affairs it has to turn up again at the stocking counter!
The Pittsburgh Press (September 28, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I’m simply flabbergasted! In front of me is a Los Angeles newspaper with a headline reading “Slower Growth Seen for City in Future.” I took three aspirins and checked my eyes. But it still said the same thing.
You must admit that doesn’t sound much like the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce. Of course, they’ve been at publicity work for so long they may have saved up enough points to get a discharge.
But my goodness! After seeing that headline, I wouldn’t be surprised to see screamers like “Chicago Man Praises New York Air” or “California Ideal Tourist States, Declares Miami.”
To say nothing of the prospect of seeing in great big type: “In No Hurry for Nylons, Women Say,” or “Diner Offered Porterhouse Steak; Orders Halibut Instead.”
The Pittsburgh Press (October 1, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
So Hirohito went calling on Gen. MacArthur! When the emperor was announced, MacArthur barely had time to put on his imperial court receiving costume which, in reverse, consisted of removing his coat and tie.
A few minutes later the ex-Son of Heaven’s limousine drove up. I guess he was afraid to take his horse. Adm. Halsey might have been around somewhere.
The emperor bowed and tipped his hat to the American newspapermen as he left, which is a sure sign that he’s in the market for a new job.
Hirohito claims to be interested in American baseball. And George says with those weak eyes he’d made a wonderful umpire. Goodness, hasn’t that Brooklyn baseball team had enough trouble without arguing with an umpire who is supposed to be Divine?
The Pittsburgh Press (October 2, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, the suffragettes in Japan think that women may be allowed to vote after a while, but only if they don’t have husbands. They say Japanese women could never hope to be the equal of men, and if married women voted, it might cause trouble in the home. That is, in those sections where there are homes left to have trouble in.
Gracious, don’t Japanese women realize that the only way they can get their men to recognize them as equals in the first place is to cause a lot of trouble in the home?
The whole difficulty is, that in Japan the men completely dominate their women. I wonder if that’s why that cute George of mine has been wearing a kimono lately and eating triple portions of rice pudding.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 3, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, this is National Newspaper Week which makes it a fine time to say something nice about freedom of the press. If we didn’t have it, I’d probably be in a cell with bars for writing some of the things I do. And you’d be judged fit for a cell with padding if they ever caught you reading them.
If the Germans and the Japanese had had a free press they’d be much better off. They used to pick up their morning papers and read silly stories about New York being wiped off the map and San Francisco being captured. Then they’d get blown up before they had time to turn to the funnies.
So let’s make sure that nothing happens to our freedom of expression. Where would the wives of America be without that?
The Pittsburgh Press (October 4, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, it’s World Series time again and after thinking it over I predict that it will be won either by the Detroit team or the Chicago team. George says I shouldn’t go so far out on the limb, but after all these years of marriage I’m absolutely fearless.
From what I’ve heard it should be awfully close. Detroit has some very good runners, but Chicago has some catchers who might be fast enough to catch them.
Of course I’m not taking sides one way or another, but in a way it’s too bad that Detroit beat Washington out of the right to play in the World Series. Everyone seems so upset in Washington these days it would have done Congress worlds of good to get out in the fresh air for a few afternoons.
The Pittsburgh Press (October 5, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I must say I felt a lot better about our government when George told me President Truman is a horseshoe pitcher. It seems to be a game that takes a steady eye and a steady arm. And goodness knows this is no time to have a man in the White House with a case of the wobbles.
I remember my grandfather saying it’s the kind of game that keeps a man calm. When there’s a doubt about distance, the players measure with a straw. Very few horseshoe games ever end in a riot.
Personally, I think our president is very smart to relax by pitching horseshoes at a little patch of American soil. But it’s all those big patches of foreign soil that’s going to give him the trouble.