The Pittsburgh Press (December 7, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Now that German morale is getting to the stage where they can’t remember whether Bismarck was a hero or a herring, along comes Congresswoman Clare Boothe Luce to Europe and confuses them still more. I hear that two Nazi companies surrendered when they got a glimpse of her hat, thinking it was a new secret weapon.
It takes a lot of nerve for such a brilliant and beautiful woman to get that close to the front. Mrs. Luce well may be the Allies’ answer to the V-2. She uses 88mm adjectives, has a short firing fuse, and is liable to explode in any direction. The only trouble is the generals don’t know which way to aim her – the same trouble the Republicans had during the election.
Goodness, if she should happen to run into Secretary Harold L. Ickes, both armies are going to hear a verbal battle that will make the struggle for the Saar Valley look like a maypole dance at Bryn Mawr.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 9, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Well, beginning Sunday we celebrate “Bill of Rights Week” and I’d like to stop a moment and think about it. The Bill of Rights gave us freedom of speech and so many other advantages. Goodness, in the old days, through certain parts of New England, women who went about mumbling strange incantations and making predictions about the future were burned as witches. Today they gave us typewriters and call us newspaper columnists.
As long as next week will be “Bill of Rights Week,” I’d like to have them change it to apply to husbands and wives – especially the part about the right of persons “peaceably to assemble without being unreasonably dispersed,” and also the restrictions on “search and seizure.” Many was the time I had been ready “peaceably to assemble” myself in a new hat and dress only to find that George has “searched” the closet, “seized” the clothes and “unreasonably dispersed” them back to the store.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 11, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Well, the Japs have finally admitted they had an earthquake. Personally, I don’t know how they noticed they had one at all, what with the heavy B-29 bombings and violent tremors that have been coming out of the Japanese Admiralty in the past few weeks.
In fact, there’s been so much quaking going on among the officials that it wasn’t until one of the admirals stepped out for a breath of fresh air that he noticed there was an earthquake going on in the rest of the country.
The whole situation brings up a very interesting problem. The Japanese warlords plan to escape to Germany in a submarine if things go bad. The Nazi warlords plan to escape to Japan in a submarine if things go bad. Say, it might be good business for someone to open an underwater drive – somewhere up in the Arctic Ocean.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 12, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
My goodness, the post offices are crowded these days, and poor Postmaster General Walker! I understand he objected to Esquire Magazine sending certain pictures of pretty girls through the mails. Well, yesterday, he almost got a pretty girl in person sent through the mails when the crowds pushed me halfway through the parcel post window.
All I hope now is that Secretary Ickes doesn’t get mad at something the Republicans do and refuse to give Santa Claus a priority for his trip this year. As it is, Santa’s schedule is so jammed, I understand he is asking Mrs. Roosevelt to drop off a few packages for him that night.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 13, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Well, unless the members of Congress hurry a bit, it looks as though they’re going to have to hang their Christmas stockings on the speaker’s rotunda. That is, if Speaker Sam Rayburn doesn’t mind. Those poor Congressmen have been trying to adjourn so they can get home for Christmas, but no luck.
I can just see all the Republicans and Democrats around the tree hanging tinsel on one another. My husband George says they’ve been trying to hang things on one another for years. I guess he meant tinsel.
Anyway, when Santa arrives, it may clear up that long-standing argument about whether Santa is a Republican or a Democrat. The Democrats claim Santa is one of them because he is so generous in giving things to people. The Republicans claim he is a Republican because he spends so much of his time out in the cold.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 14, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
They say that at Christmas time you should remember even your enemies. All right, I hope Santa Claus brings Hirohito one of those Japanese vases large enough for just one blossom – to hold Tokyo Rose.
But I’m afraid Santa is going to be late with those gravel-filled water wings for the Japanese admirals. Most of them have gone to join their ancestors.
As for Hitler, who used to have such a good time sticking pins in wall maps, I hear he is now sticking them in himself. I hope someone will send him a box of large hatpins. I’d hate to think of him skimping along on little thumbtacks.
And Mussolini – I’m afraid he isn’t going to be remembered very well this year. I doubt that even Santa Claus has his address. But Benito loves balconies, so maybe Santa will find him and give him one. One about jump-size would be just right.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 18, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Well, Christmas is just a week from today. In this country, everything will be “peace on earth, good will toward men.” But for the next few shopping days, it’s every man for himself.
While squeezing through a department store Saturday, I saw several Christmas trees made of rayon. Now I know what they’re making stockings of – Christmas trees. At least the pones I have on feel that way.
Speaking of stockings, it’s going to be a little hard on the bobbysoxers this year, having only those little things to hang up for Santa. Goodness, they’re hardly big enough to hold Sinatra.
Fire department officials in our town have issued a strict warning to amateur Santa Clauses to watch out that their whiskers don’t get singed. George says he isn’t worried so much about his whiskers getting singed – it’s his bank account he’s bothered about.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 19, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Well, it’s encouraging to see the way women are beginning to take an active interest in politics. Why, at our women’s club meeting yesterday we discussed nothing but Clare Luce’s hats, Paul McNutt’s physique, and Secretary of State Stettinius’ eyebrows.
It’s just beginning to dawn on me that eyebrows are to politicians what sarongs are to movie stars.
Of course, they can be overdone. I wish I had a nickel for every woman who said she’d like to get John L. Lewis along with a pair of eyebrow tweezers.
And John Nance Garner, our former Vice President – my, what wonderful snowy-white brows he has. When I used to take the children to see Santa Claus, they always complained because he didn’t look like Mr. Garner.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 20, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
I understand that the people in liberated countries are now catching up on five years of accumulated Hollywood pictures and gossip. Goodness, what they’ve got in store for them! Why, they’ve never even heard of such stars as Gene Tierney, Rita Hayworth, Van Johnson and Frank Sinatra. And can you imagine the impact of Betty’s Grable’s legs after five years of Der Fuehrer’s face?
As for gossip, Errol Flynn alone can provide them several months’ back reading.
Of course, they might be a little confused when they see Sinatra the first time. They’ll think we’ve had much stricter food rationing in America than they’ve had. But I don’t know just how they’re going to take to bobby sox. Somehow, they don’t have the same appeal when you call them “Sox de Robert.”
The Pittsburgh Press (December 22, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
One of the most touching stories I’ve heard in some time came over the Tokyo radio recently.
It seems the Jap government is sponsoring a songwriting contest in an effort to bolster morale and keep up the fighting spirit. Seeing as how the Japs don’t mind lifting an idea now and then, my husband George suggests: “When it’s B-29 time in Tokyo, I’ll be coming back to you,” or “I didn’t sleep a wink last night,” or for the Jap generals’ theme song: “I’m Just Wild About Hara-Kiri.”
The boys on the Jap “Tin Pan Alley” are welcome to the titles. All I hope is the winner takes his 1,000-yen prize and goes to an admirals’ college. The U.S. Navy will take care of his future from there.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 27, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Well, the cutest invaders you ever saw arrived in California this week – the members of the Tennessee football team who are here to play the University of Sothern California at the Pasadena Rose Bowl on New Year’s Day.
I don’t know much about football, but when I saw those tall, handsome fellows with the magnolia blossoms in their voices, I knew football was one of my favorite sports.
I went to a game once, and really, football’s very simple. About forty-four men sit on a bench with blankets over their heads and talk about girls. Then eleven fellows who can’t find seats have to go out on the field to meet eleven other fellows who can’t find seats. One fellow is chosen as “it” and he runs with the ball like everything. Someone trips him; the players jump on one another; someone blows a whistle, and the people in the stands go wild. That’s all.
Oh, yes, the Tennessee football team is called “the Volunteers.” Governor Prentiss Cooper of Tennessee came along with the team and he’s the nicest “volunteer” of all, girls. He happens to be unmarried.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 28, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
I don’t want to seem suspicious, but the plan to close the racetracks on the heels of an announcement of a crucial meat shortage – well, I hope it’s just a coincidence.
Believe me, my butcher had better not offer me a roast with Santa Anita stamped on it. And even if that’s not to be the case, what are all those racehorses going to do? it will be pretty tough for a horse like Twilight Tear to go from making $50,000 in one afternoon to pulling a milk wagon for $2 a day. And Secretary Morgenthau will never believe the filly’s income tax return.
My George says thousands of bookmakers will be out of work. Well, that doesn’t make sense at all. There is enough demand for “Forever Amber” alone to keep all the bookmakers busy. Well, it’s a man’s world, I guess, and I’ll never understand it.
The Pittsburgh Press (December 29, 1944)
By Gracie Allen
Well, I’m no Nostradamus (I hope not, because I’d be hundreds of years old). But with the aid of my woman’s intuition, I’ve got a few forecasts to make for the coming New Year.
So, folks, here’s what to expect:
Real girdles will come back in 1945. So will 1944’s laundry… There will be a shortage of admirals and a surplus of ancestors in Japan… The film industry will abolish “B” pictures again… Clare Boothe Luce will attack the administration while wearing a new hat brought back from Paris… Harold Ickes will tell the press what is wrong with it… Our cook will quit. So will yours… Turkey will announce they are coming in on the side of the Allies. Nobody, including Turkey, will believe it.
The Pittsburgh Press (January 2, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, I don’t know about your house, but at our house the holiday spirit is as cold as Congressman Ham Fish’s seat in the House of Representatives. Today, George is starting on his income tax statement. I like the way George is taking the whole thing. Mr. Morgenthau is the first person with whom George has ever seemed willing to share my salary.
One thing I must say, I enjoy reading the income tax laws. It’s just like a wonderful mystery story. You figured out one year, then Congress comes back after the holidays, all rested and full of turkey, and zing! The suspense goes on for another year.
The government might make a little extra money by publishing the tax rules as a mystery novel titled possibly, The Case of the Missing Fiduciary, or Who’s Withholding Who?
The Pittsburgh Press (January 5, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Hollywood, California –
Well, it looks like Congress is back at the old stand, with a few familiar faces and relatives missing from the payroll.
From the woman’s standpoint, the most interesting thing will be to see if the pen is mightier than the makeup box. In this corner, ladies and gentlemen, is Clare Boothe Luce, on the Republican elephant, representing literature; in that corner Helen Gahagan Douglas, on the Democratic donkey, representing the drama.
I think it is just wonderful that each of our great parties has such a beautiful member to represent it, and I’m sure when they cross swords in oratory you won’t be able to see the speaker’s rostrum for newsreel cameras. Requests for gallery seats are so heavy some people have suggested staging the whole thing in Madison Square Garden.
Goodness, it certainly wouldn’t surprise me a bit if the Luce-Douglas debates went thundering down into history alongside the Lincoln-Douglas ones.
The Pittsburgh Press (January 8, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Goodness, now there’s talk about a government draft of women to work in certain industries. Uncle Sam is going to substitute the factory whistle for the wolf whistle. The theory is that any woman strong enough to dig a fur coat out of her husband can also plant a few acres of potatoes, and women complaining about nylons may soon get them in a way they don’t expect.
According to chemists, nylons are made mostly out of coal, and these gals may find themselves digging up their stockings in lump form. Other women who are upset about not getting cigarettes may find themselves working on a tobacco plantation. I can imagine a lady in a mink coat and a lorgnette giving the tobacco auctioneer’s chant with a Park Avenue accent.
The Manpower Commission is interested also in getting women to replace men in certain nightclub jobs. Can you imagine the men dying of thirst on bar stools all over the country while a couple of lady bartenders discuss recipes?
The Pittsburgh Press (January 10, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, I don’t know what you other housewives are doing with those cancelled blue points, but I’m pressing mine in my ration book, same as I pressed the rose in my diary, which George gave me on our honeymoon.
I guess most of us had to listen to our husbands’ corny jokes about getting caught win our “points” down.
Like everyone else, I was a little upset at first, and then I began to feel a little sorry for the head of the OPA. Goodness, he couldn’t keep 20 million housewives happy even if his name were Boyer instead of Bowles.
And you can bet beef will soon be hard to get again. The way things are going, soon the cow is going to be as sacred in this country as it is in India.
The Pittsburgh Press (January 11, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
I hope that news story about the dogs in Illinois eating up all the soybean auto license plates will be a good lesson for the scientists.
When science starts something no one, including the scientists, knows where it is going to finish. I understand it was a determined alchemist who was trying to turn lead into gold when he accidentally discovered gunpowder. And now where are we?
And I think Thomas A. Edison would have thought twice about inventing the phonograph if he had realized he would be known as the “father of the jukebox.”
Personally, the more I hear about the soybean the more it frightens me. Why, it could become a vegetable Frankenstein. It seems you can make anything from soup to steamships with it. You can eat the soybean, live in it, wear it, and make jokes out of it.
Already science knows how to make mechanical men. Maybe someday we’ll have a soybean husband. But the day I’m looking forward to is when some scientist figures out how to make a scientist out of soybeans. It will serve him right.
The Pittsburgh Press (January 13, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, I think it was nice that Mr. Roosevelt managed to cut the war budget $18 billion below last year’s estimate, but I do wish he hadn’t announced it just as I was trying to get George to increase my household allowance by three dollars. George says if the President can cut expenses, I can.
Well, there’s a difference. Gen. MacArthur is a lot closer to Tokyo that he was last year, but I’m still as far away from getting a lamb chop from my butcher as I ever was. And the cost of chasing Jap admirals may be down this season, but eggs are still on the way up.
Goodness, I can certainly sympathize with Mr. Roosevelt if he has to go through the same things to get money out of Congress that I do to get it out of George. Besides, I need a little pin money so that I may look pretty for my husband, whereas I don’t think members of Congress care whether Mr. Roosevelt loves them or not.
The Pittsburgh Press (January 14, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
If you ask me, the most confused critters in this entire war are the hens. Only last year, the poor things wanted to lay eggs and the OPA said “hold it!” And there were lots of hens walking around with a dozen eggs and no place to put them.
Now it turns out there’s a shortage of eggs today, and nasty remarks are being passed in Washington circles about the laying capacity of the American hen. Goodness, you can’t retool a hen for higher production like it was an aircraft plant.
And hens can’t read, either, so it wouldn’t help to issue a “produce or fight!” order to them. Personally, I think if we have the proper kindness and patience, all the hens in the country will put their white meat to the wheel and will come through with flying colors.