The Pittsburgh Press (August 14, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Goodness me, I can remember when little boys all wanted to grow up to be either firemen or baseball players. But since the atomic bomb, I’ve found out they all want to become scientists. If that keeps up, some day we won’t have anything but women for firemen, and the pitcher for Brooklyn will be someone by the name of Gwendolyn. George says she would be an improvement.
Anyhow, I don’t believe that a country full of scientists would be much fun. Husbands would spend all day looking at tiny things like atoms and molecules and when they came home, they’d be sure to notice if their wives had put on an extra ounce of weight. And if everybody was a famous scientist, just think how hard it would be on Don Ameche. He’d have a nervous breakdown trying to play them all in pictures.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 15, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Dear me, it looks as though the throne room isn’t the only place where kings get into trouble. I see where King Gustav of Sweden just fell down in his bathtub. It must have made an awful big splash, because he’s way over six feet tall – a real king-sized king. Not a bit like that tiny Victor Emmanuel of Italy. When that one gave the Fascist salute, he looked like a little boy asking for permission to leave the room.
I hope that business of a slippery bathtub doesn’t give enemy agents ideas for a new system of accidental assassination. The old-fashioned way of throwing a bomb at royalty looks pretty suspicious in the eyes of police. But they wouldn’t get suspicious if you just stood outside the palace door with a banana peel in your hand.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 16, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – With peace, the housewives of America already are thinking about post-war problems.
For instance, what to do with their old ration books.
Goodness, you could shove them under a chair that has a short leg, or doodle on them while you’re making a phone call, or line your pantry shelves with them.
Probably the best idea is to use them as a cure for insomnia. People who can’t sleep are supposed to count sheep. But when you think of sheep, other things like old gin rummy scores or new dresses keep sneaking in.
It would be easier to count red ration points which represent meat, because, after all, that’s what sheep are.
I asked George what to do with the old ration books and he said, “Burn ‘em.” Men have absolutely no imagination.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 17, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, goodness, the excitement is starting to die down enough so I can catch my breath.
My husband, George, was so emotionally carried away, he snapped his fingers right under the nose of our neighborhood butcher. Fortunately the butcher didn’t hear it, as George hadn’t eaten enough meat lately to be able to snap his fingers very loud.
Anyway, that poor butterfly in Japan can stop singing about her sailor now. The American Navy is not only coming back, but the Army, the Air Force and General MacArthur are coming along, too.
And if Tokyo housewives think they’ve suffered already, wait until they get a phew-wiff of the General’s corn-cob pipe.
But do you realize what General MacArthur has achieved? He’s the first Republican in years to get a steady job running a country.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 20, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, even after they surrendered, those tricky Japanese figured out a way to make us suffer. By telling us the war is over and then waiting for days to make it official, the Japs have forced us into a long celebration that is taxing the strength of many fine Americans.
If it doesn’t stop soon, we’ll be too weak to wave a flag. In fact, one more week-long celebration like this past one and the United States would be too exhausted to defend itself against an invasion of midgets with bows and arrows.
Each morning, citizens get up and stagger out to see if the Armistice has been signed. Finding it hasn’t, with a moan, pitiful but patriotic, they prepare for another day of celebration. And if you think the atomic bomb was frightening, folks, wait till you live through what will probably go down in history as an atomic hangover.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 21, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Girls, did you hear what I heard? They say that by January we’ll be able to buy nylons again and I can think of no better way to start the new year off on the right foot, or the left one either. It’s been so long since nice looking legs were legal. Wen’s legs are like bridge prizes. They should be both useful and ornamental, but seldom are.
With nylons coming in, now I can use my last bottle of leg makeup to finish panting the lawn furniture. Leg makeup – I’ve seen women who looked as if one leg had stayed home while the other one went to the beach for a sun-tan.
I’m sure the men will like the idea of nylon being used for stockings instead of parachutes. Not once during the war did I see one of them straining their necks to look at a parachute.
The Evening Star (August 22, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I see that Mr. Henry Kaiser who used to build almost as many ships a day as Japan lost in a day, is going to build automobiles soon. He plans to turn out a complete car for about $500 and send it through the mail. It’s really something new in the mail order business and I’ll bet Mr. Sears and Mr. Roebuck are still glaring at each other for not thinking of it first.
I’ll tell you one thing, though. If all these cars are coming by mail. I’d suggest that Mr. Kaiser better design a new type of feet for the mailmen who deliver them. As it stands now, Mr. McGuiness, our postman, is already so worn out he barely has time to read over the postcards in his mailbag anymore.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 23, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, the OPA, which is evidently celebrating the end of the war in its own little way, has caught me flatfooted again. I woke up this morning and found they’ve gone and taken the price ceilings off birdcages, spinning wheels, glass furniture, wigs, magicians’ tricks and other useful things. Goodness, the spinning wheel item surprised me. I didn’t know we had an OPA during the Revolutionary War too.
I was heartbroken to find the ceiling was off glass furniture. If I’d only been smart while the price was low, I’d have bought some entirely glass beds, so the maid couldn’t sweep dust under them.
But I’m not as unlucky as some folks. I can imagine how Jack Benny will suffer when he sees that the ceiling price has been taken off wigs and toupees.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 24, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, Emperor Hirohito’s white horse is getting to be even more famous as an animal than Mary’s little lamb. Which is only fair, since it was discovered the horse was born in California, and the lamb wasn’t. At least, not recently, according to my butcher.
It just goes to show that you can’t keep a native Californian down. They took this one clear across the ocean to a foreign country where he didn’t know a word of the language, put a harness in his mouth, and a son of heaven on his back, and he still got most of the newspaper notices.
Goodness knows, I don’t know what the horse’s post-war plans are, but they’re undoubtedly brighter than his Japanese master’s. My guess is, being a blond, the horse will probably turn up at Mr. Zanuck’s movie emporium with Betty Grable and my friend Flicka.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 27, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
My, I’m afraid the post-war future of us human beings won’t be half as exciting as that of chickens. Last week, I read that atomic energy would make chickens lay eggs faster. Now, today, I read that clothes can be made out of chicken feathers. The soft part of the feather is used and George has already made a tiny joke about a “down” payment.
Ladies, now we’ll be able to buy suits in hen, spring chicken and bantam sizes with colors from Plymouth Rock to Rhode Island Red. They say the new material will be softer than wool. Goodness knows that I’ll do with my old woolens. Probably the only fair thing is to make little overalls out of them for chickens who might catch their death of cold without feathers. Anyway, now I know why a chicken crosses the road. It’s to get away from all these post-war plans.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 28, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, Congress is going back to work almost a month early, and I’ll bet they’re pouting. I know how children would feel if school started ahead of time. And Congressmen are just grown-up children. That is, some of them are grown-up.
Furthermore, I guess they know what’s coming. The Nazis and Japs are defeated, leaving nobody left to yell at but Congress. And Congressmen are even better targets than baseball umpires. You can call them names without paying for a seat in the grandstand and getting mustard on your best pair of gloves.
Anyway, the poor things had a nice vacation playing guitars and appearing in plays before it was time to answer the roll call and put an apple on President Truman’s desk. Good luck, folks, and don’t stand up going around the curves.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 29, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
Well, goodness knows I don’t know much about this reconversion thing. But I’m having fun watching the people who run the gas stations frantically trying to retool their etiquette to peacetime use. All of a sudden the customer is so right it makes you dizzy. I’ve had my windshield wiped until the glass got thin, and water poured in my radiator until the car almost floated down the street.
It’s not much like the old days when the attendants let you sit there for hours while they studied the racing form. Some of us find the change a little hard to get used to. For instance, George went into a station yesterday for a quart of oil and the owner said, “Please, Mr. Burns, get up off your knees.”
Yes, you can well tremble, Mr. Butcher. Your turn is coming next.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 30, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – I see the Japanese call their Congress the Diet, which is even funnier than the names we call our Congress. I don’t envy the Diet one bit because they have to meet and try to explain the surrender nicely to the people.
It reminds me of the time I happened to run into a parked car. I explained to the owner that nobody would try to steal it now that the fenders were such a mess, but he didn’t think much of the explanation.
Maybe the Diet could tell their people there really wasn’t a war at all, and the whole thing was just something they ate. Anyway, for a ticklish job like this, the Diet ought to get in touch with the Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce. Anyone who can explain California weather can explain anything.
The Pittsburgh Press (August 31, 1945)
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Dear me! I’d say it’s just as well that tall, handsome General De Gaulle ended his visit here when he did because he was beginning to upset two classes of people in this country – the men he was kissing and the women he didn’t. as a woman of the world, I realize that when one Frenchman kisses another, it’s a mark of respect, but it’s hard for Americans to get used to the idea. George respects Jack Benny, but he’s never dreamed of even holding his hand.
It’s fun to see the newsreels of the men to whom the general paid his respects. Poor General Marshall looked like he was signing the terms of surrender after we’d lost a war to Switzerland.
And did you notice the one person the general didn’t kiss when he met him was Mayor La Guardia? I guess the general was too dignified to kneel down.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 3, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Have you been wondering what will happen to all those radio war commentators now that the war is over, or don’t you care? Goodness, they were emotional! Sometimes I couldn’t tell who was most angry at us – the Japanese or the war commentators.
Heaven knows what kind of jobs they will get now. Can you imagine one of those military experts at the information desk of a department store saying, “You can always get pinkbrush toothpaste on the sixth floor, unless they’re out of it; it may be on hand, although the claim has been made that it isn’t; time will tell, although it may conceivably refuse to do so.”
Or can you imagine Gabriel Heatter, as a regular commercial radio announcer, coming on with, “There’s good news tonight: Nussbaum’s nightshirts will not creep up and strangle you in your sleep.”
The Pittsburgh Press (September 4, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – My goodness, I certainly wish some of our waitresses and bus drivers were helping Gen. MacArthur with the occupation, so they could ask the Japanese if they hadn’t heard there was a war going on. The Japs are bowing and scraping and handing out pink lemonade and giving us sweet little bouquets of flowers arranged by the same girls who used to work in factories and arrange the TNT in bombs.
Gen. Homma and Gen. Yamashita can scarcely get their hats on over their halos, and all the other Jap generals are trying to pretend they only wore soldier suits because they were going to a masquerade. The big manufacturers are very much hurt and puzzled, too. They say they had their machinery set to make baby carriages and all of a sudden, to their horror, tanks started coming out.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 5, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, wherever you turn now, you can see little signs that show the country is getting back to normal. The hen that lays the square egg is beginning to get its share of newspaper space again. Cigarette butts are being tossed away instead of kept in safety deposit boxes and they’re busy choosing Miss America in Atlantic City. But I’ll bet none of the gals will look as good to our returning boys as that Miss America is New York harbor called the Statue of Liberty.
Personally, I don’t mind bathing beauty contests. I think they’re educational. When they show them in the newsreels, George always begins to take great interest in world events.
California sent a cute blonde to represent us at Atlantic City. And I’m sure she’ll do us proud. When she got on the train at Union Station, even the locomotive whistled.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 6, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, I suppose children have always hated to go back to school. But this year it’s lots worse. Lots of the kiddies have had good-salaried jobs in war plants and they’re more interested in earning than learning. Goodness, I don’t envy the teachers who have to teach all these little Rockefellers in rompers! The tots will probably demand overtime pay for staying after school. And George says they’re probably much more interested in Wall Street reports than McGuffey’s reader.
I noticed in a newsreel last night the authorities had got Bing Crosby to urge the kids back to school, but all the time he was talking I noticed Bing kept looking out of the corner of his eye to see if his four boys were paying attention.
The Pittsburgh Press (September 7, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Goodness, those scientist fellows are making more predictions these days than the woman at my favorite little gypsy tearoom. Now a Britisher says before long we can take rocket trips to the moon, and I hope that old story that it’s made of green cheese is true. It would be worth going here to get some good cheese again.
Of course, if the place gets popular and they start selling real estate, I’d like to get a lot there in exchange for one I bought at a famous California mountain resort. It might be nearer a railroad station. However, I don’t imagine a lot of people will really want to live there. Can’t you just hear the cook complaining about the daily rocket service?
Besides, George says the moon’s real name is Luna, and who wants to be known as a lunatic?
The Pittsburgh Press (September 10, 1945)
Gracie Allen Reporting
By Gracie Allen
HOLLYWOOD – Well, our fellows have picked up another Japanese girl who used to work on the radio as Tokyo Rose. I suppose the Japs kept a few spares around in case one of them got blown up while she was advising our soldiers to quit because they didn’t have a chance. My goodness! I hope this country never goes in for plural radio performers. If we had three Mr. Anthonys, we’d all have to pitch in and suffer in our spare time.
Another Axis celebrity in the so-called entertainment world landed in jail when the British arrested Max Schmeling, the former boxer, in Germany. George says they shouldn’t bother to try him – just send him over here and turn him over to Joe Louis.